Dysfunctionally_Functioning

So its been awhile since I served up something for the weekend. So today i have a lil someum someum from Outkast(1998), Mobb Deep and Bootsie Collins. Enjoy.

Labels: Look Out Weekend

I have never known a love like this. U love me. U really loves me. At the mention of your name I smile. the thought of you brings tears to my eyes. Yeah it's that powerful. That awesome. I mean its the butterflies in my stomach and smile until my cheeks hurt type of joy. I've had a few before when I thought it was love only to find out it was lust or infatuation. I've search high and low, travelled from state to state trying to fill that ever increasing hole, trying to fill that void that was getting larger and larger, but love I could never find. Then when I decided to give up and wait..there you were. U said to me I am all that you need. I will never hurt you, I will never leave you. I will never disrespect you, hit you, or make you feel less than the queen that you are. A perfect gentleman you are. Never forceful as others before you have been. Never violent or short tempered. Always gentle and kind. Whenever I call u welcome me with open arms. When I came to you, you said loving me will not be easy. I will take you to places you've never seen and give you things you only dream of if you let me. I can be all that you need but you have to trust me. You cannot bring your past into our future. You have to give yourself to me totally. You love me unconditionally meaning under no condition. You told me many will not understand our love. Many will desire it, but only a few will experience it. Some will say you've changed and others will simply fall off. But that's okay. They have served their purpose in your life if its meant to be they will come back. You will be talked about and even mistreated but I will ALWAYS be here no matter what. All you have to do is trust me. Give me your all. I never thought I would be able to love again. Too afraid of being hurt again. Tired of the games. Tired of the lies. But this one is different. Different in every way. I never thought it was possible but I dared to dream. My dream is now my reality. I am complete I am whole. Nothing missing nothing broken. All I can say is THANK YOU! And I pray that I can love you the way that you love me. I pray that I can do for you what you have done for me love you like you have loved and sacrificed for me. Its real. Don't believe me? Try for yourself. His name....Jesus. And like He did it for me he can do it for you.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Recently I mentioned the fact that I was going thru a renewal process. So I sat down and decided to make a list... 12 steps to be exact of what I think the renewal process should be. These steps are 1 for every month of the year. I did it like this to keep me on my toes. Each month you should start a new step but also continuing with the previous steps as well. So as time goes by I will add a new step until I have all 12.
Step 1: Renew your mind. Remove all negative thoughts, feelings and emotions. Remove all negative energy. This is a little hard to do but can be done. anytime something negative comes your way remove yourself. This is a good time for you to get closer to you higher power whomever that may be.
Step 2: Change your focus: What you focus on becomes thought. Thoughts turn into decisions. Decisions becomes actions. Actions becomes results. Results become your life. What that means is this: whatever you put your time into will become your life. If you are focusing on a man, keeping a man, getting a man, a career, money etc.. that will consume u. It will eat you alive. Results bringforth experiences and consequences. Experinces are immediate. Consequences not so much. Example.. you meet a guy at the club. He has the car the money the bling. You decide to go home with him. The experience he was the best you ever had. The consequence you found out your pregnant and HIV positive. Maybe thats extreme but you get my point. Its 2009 its time to get right or get left. Better yourself. Do better for your children. Stop looking for handouts as if the world owes u. Stop blaming others for your situation. If you are grown then you have choices. But know that there will be consequences. Good or bad you will have them.
Step 3: Change your inner circle: Sometimes those closest to us do us more harm. You cannot allow everyone to be in your front row. Some folk are just haters. If whenever a certain person comes around there is always choas theres a good chance they should be removed.
Step 4: Embrace yourself. Everyone has something they do not like about themselves. Be accepting of you. If you don't love, respect and appreciate yourself how can anyone else? Why would anyone else? This is the time dedicated to you. No one else. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Shut off the phone dont answer the door. Catch up on all the things you wanted to do but never got around to it.
Step 5: Detox. Stop smoking, exercise, lose weight, eat healthy, get off the phone, stay off the net, end toxic relationships. Whatever it is that has you hostage now is the time to let go. You dont have to give things up completely unless you want. But this is the time to have burdens removed and yokes destroyed. Get free from all bondage.
Step 5.5: Get an accountability partner. This is someone you trust. It CANNOT be a spouse. You have to remain open and honest at all times. Transparent. This person should know what you are trying to accomplish and should keep you on your toes. They should be available whenever you need them. Its good to meet or talk once a week to keep eachother updated. This person should also be called when you are feeling weak and thinking about going back to your old ways/habits/mindset etc..


If it helps keep a journal to see if you've changed at all during this year.
Remember in order to change your world you have to first change yourself.

This is just a lil something I'm doing. Not a New Years Resolution.I don't bleve in those. I'll keep you posted.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

I asked the question what makes a person beautiful? well this is a follow up to that. A message to all parents, aunts, uncles if you will. I don't have children of my own yet but dammit I was a child once. So here it is. You are your child's first introduction to the world. It is your job to provide for them and make them feel safe, secure and beautiful among other things. I was around someone a few days ago that has 3 children. She called them all kinds of nappy head hoes, lil mf's, bitches..etc you get the point. Its 2 girls and a boy. It broke my heart. Now don't get me wrong my tourettes kicks in when I am upset and if you are the center of my wrath yeah you will be called a many of things all but a child of God. But I'm looking at these babies and they are answering to these names. Its almost like if you walked up to one of them and said "whats you name?" they would reply Lil Bitch. I said all of that to say this what you don't give them at home someone else in the street will. And it will not be the attention they needed, wanted or was looking for. Trust I know. A child should not have to look elsewhere for love or to learn what love is. Many of us has grown up functioning in dysfunction and past it along to our children. If you didn't like it why would you do it to them? Y would u think they would feel different? Its my opinion that a child feels love from the womb. (If you've been pregnant and hated someone and wondered y after the baby was born they hated the person thats your answer). A child knows things without you saying it. Before they become corrupted they are just like little angels. They have a connection to God that we as adults have lost due to that thing we call life. So love your child. Show them you love them not just materially but also by spending time with them. Talk to them and let them know they are important and what they think is important. Tell them how beautiful they are and dont make them feel ashamed because of their skin, hair,weight, eyes etc.. Let them know how much you treasure them even if they LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR DAYUMN DADDY!

Be Blessed

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

What is beauty? Who determines what makes a person beautiful? Can it be measured? Yesterday I was going thru a few photo albums at both my mom and my sisters and came across some childhood photos of me. What I say me my eyes sweat. I saw the most beautiful little girl. Funny thing is I've never felt that way. The only time my parents or family has ever said that I was pretty was when I was permed up and had on pounds of makeup. So that was the example of beauty set before me. All my life all I ever heard was how beautiful my sister was and how she use to stop traffic. Me on the other hand I am railroad thin and the uncute one. So then I begin to think... My mom is dark skinned but I know she doesnt like it. All her life she was told how ugly she was so she made as she puts it kept her face made up and hair done. She tells this story of being a lil girl and walkingpast a crowd of people. A girl looks and says ohh she is so ugly! Well it was a young man in the crowd he was about 14 cause moms was like 8, and he says no shes not shes beautiful. I thank GOD for that youngman whomever he may be. But, sadly the damage had been done. So she in turn pushed it off on me. Both my sister and I are brown skin borderline light. Her dad is black and Indian and my dad is just light. I think that comes from her experiences growing up. Better yet I know. Its like the story I heard about the elephant . An elephant was captured in the jungle they took him and tied a string around his leg and whenever he tried to move he couldnt go far. When they removed the string he would still only move as far as he could with the string on. The point is once you have a persons mind you have them. It doesnt matter if they are no longer slaves. They are still enslaved in their mind. That brings up the issue of natural hair and beauty. Does having Napptural hair make u less beautiful? Of course me being napptural I have to say no. As my BFF would say: How do you not like what is growing outta your scalp? What makes a person beautiful?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

If you've been following then you know that as the year begin I started a fast or of a detoxing of my life. Well, I am moving forward from detox to renewal. I've purged quite a few things from my life and I've really been on a mission not only to get back on track but to be better than I was before. See I've been thru it all well lets just say a lot. Attempted molestation at the hands of a relative, drowing at age7, living with an addict, the ups and downs of relationships, making someone a priority when I was only a option, miscarriage, rape, abortion, depression, PTSD etc... In the midst of it all I recieved a touch from El Elyon (The Most High). A couple of years ago I was in the most amazing place. all was well in my soul. Then I hit a rut. I allowed outside influences into my life. I allowed people whom I thought were on the road I was on and tryin to get better speak into my life. You really have to watch who it is that you allow into your frint row. Everyone will not be there to cheer you on or pray for you when it gets rough. Or pray with you when that is the only thing that can be done. I try very hard to put into every relationship that I have no matter who it may be what I want in return. I try to be the best friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin etc.. that I can be. I am a optimist for the most part but I am also human and sensitive. I don't force myself or opinions on anyone else. Once I see that I am hitting a brick wall I'm done. It's a wrap I'm moving on. I will not beat you over the head with my thoughts and opinions. This has cause problems to a many a folk who don't understand that approach. Some see me as judgemental yet others see it as selfishness and others as me withdrawing. Call it what you may I call it allowing you to do you and when you need me I'm a phone call, email, text or short drive away. For the people thats been in my life 3 years or less they don't get it. Anyway the whole renewal thing is just a renewal of my mind. I'm playing keep away from all negativity. Thats means thoughts, actions, people and words. Its impossible to a degree because you are the only thing and person you have control over. As the guard of you, you control what you allow in thru your ear gate, eye gate, mouth and mind. You choose what you recieve and what you don't. Other people are only to blame for so much. Trust I spent a lot of time on that playground. I'm learning that once you allow God/Jesus into your life totally you have to let Him do what it is He does best. God is not a bully and will not force himself on you. He is the perfect gentleman. The key is you have to make yourself avaiable to Him. That is a hard thing to do. I struggle with it everyday, but I also get better at it everyday. I want everyone in my life to experience the person of Jesus. Seek His face and not just His hand. People can and will bring you down if you allow it. YOu have to be cafeful who and what you allow to be spoken over you. When people are talking they are planting seeds even when you don't realize it. Its just like church. Everyone that says they are a Christian is not. Many believe but only a few follow. The bible says in Isaiah 18Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
What I get from that is dont live in the past. Hes doing something new.
So I don't know who this was for because I had no intention of writing all of this :). SO to all of you in the struggle keep your head up. stayed prayed up and be blessed.
Romans 12:2:
2(A) Do not be conformed to this world,[a] but be transformed by(B) the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may(C) discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[b]

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Today we witnessed history. This is something that we can share with not only our children but our childrens children as well. Lets continue to uplift Our President and First family in our prayers.

Be easy

Labels: Random thoughts and feelings

It's been awhile and I really don't know where to begin. I made it through the fast... Praise God! The funny thing is I haven't been able to go back to my regular diet and I am thinking about going back on the fast. Yeah I know a lil crazy but the harder you make it on yourself the easier it is for God to show up and show out ( or at least I hear :-] ).Other than that I can say that I am tired, but I can also say that I am in transition. Transition more so because since the year has started my prayers have had the theme less of me and more of you. Translation: I am going after God with my whole heart. I want Him to be evident in my life. Let His light shine and my light dim. I have been praying for the things and people in my life that do not represent Him and His will be removed. In other words Be It Unto me. Whatever it is that is for me be it unto me. The problem with this is sometime you are not ready for the things you seek or ask. This is truly where faith comes in. The other problem is that people around you may not understand and look at you like youre crazy or have 6 heads. I've really been reevaluating my life and relationships. While I was on the fast I removed pretty much all "worldly" things from around me and only put in the Word. I can honestly say that my thinking has changed and so has my tolerance. Good, bad, indifferent...TBD. I'm excited yet ummm nervous about what is before me. Maybe because I can't see it. I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is my life isnt the same.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

I'm at my wits end. Like I am really walking a thin line round here. These lil oooohhhh I am against calling children out of there name however, my tourettes kicked in tonight. I have one tryna show out in front his friends, one speaking espanol, one that likes to scream cry and kick walls and one that walks around in circles. 10 pm is bedtime in this house. They have to be up at 5:30 for school so they all know the drill. They like to try the system. They dont not realize just how close I am coming to quirking out. Therefore, tonight I had to call in reinforcements. I had to call my sister. These lil nadsfkashflihn are driving me to a place I dont want to be. I really think they feel as though because they are at a certain age that I won't eff them up. I have a week here 1 week. I know I can make it. All I know is once I leave I'll return in June for my neice graduation and that is the end of that. They better pray nothing happens to ole girl cause when I tell you all Ican do for them is pray they get into a nice foster home or maybe their mom to str8n up. Thats all I can do. Bet that! They have really ruined it and me on children in the process. If my children will be anything like this I dont want any. And you can put that on errrthang I love shawty!

Labels: Rants and Raves

So its day 5 and I am really sluggish. Seeing as though this isnt my first fast I knew it would be coming. I havent really eaten or drinking anything today which is prolly y I have this I feel like Im preggers tiredness going on. I missed out on my jog and blading again today just not up to it. My dad showed up this morning around 2. His girl called to say that he made it in but she hadn't spoken with him. I was like ok. I mean she did call me 97 times yesterday. Then my grampa and aunt blowing up the line this morning so I guess I could have been a lil more excited.Or at least happy he made it and is ok. Yeah...noo. He gets on the phone with the story in truw crackhead fashion. It went a lil something like this: The water pump went out on my car and my celly died and I didnt have the car charger so I had no way of getting in touch with anyone. ALmost believable. But the truth is I know him and or I should say I know his habits. I know the actions that he takes in certain situations. Somethings are just predictable. See I realize that this is what happens whenever I start to halfway liking him and letting him in on my life. HE is partially the reason why Im from Missouri. you know the show me state. Everyone that comes in my life pretty much have to prove themselves in other words show me. I take nothing at face value. Maybe I am being a hypocrite. I just wrote to my BFF and told her she shouldnt judge her present relationship based off of past ones. Hmmmmmm. Nope this my daddy Im talking about and I say I am tired of being let down by him. I just pray that he gets better and stronger and maybe then we can have the relationship that we have been working on for the past 14 months. If that didnt make sense just blame it on my wondering mind.

Until....

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

I just posted a poem entitled My name is cocaine. What does that have to do with my detox? Everything. My dad started smoking crack in 1984. At the time I was four years old. Of course I didnt know it then and it was years before I found out. My mom is real good at hiding things and making excuses for everyone. Well after being sober for 14 months yesterday my dad fell off the wagon, truck, boat, whatever... he relapsed. I've posted previously that my parents are not together they have a very strange relationship at least in my eyes. on 30 Dec a friend of the family was murdered during a botched robbery so my dad came home for the funeral. So of course he was around all his old friends yada ya. But this all started on Friday which was when I decided to do the big chop and cut my hair. AS my nephew was finishing cutting my hair my dad in his most dramatic performance screams : AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA GO SMOKE ME A BIG FAT CRACK ROCK! Ok so me in typical fashion I say well don't put that on me if you go do that then you want to. he goes to bed after a stellar performance so I think nothing else about it until yesterday. After the funeral he is nowhere to be found. I figure he went home and would call me later. At about 11:40 moms is like I think your dad has messed up. No One has heard from him and he's not answering the phone. I let it go. Actually I just included him in my prayers a good portion of my prayers for the night. Then he wakes me at 7 in the a.m. in tru crackhead fashion asking questions about money. Then a couple hours later his girl calls and wants to know where he is because she hasnt heard from him either. Im on my way to church at the time and I am determined to make it there which I do. Church as usual was WONDERFUL. I leave church check the celly and see my moms has called me like 4 times. I hit her back and begin to tell her about the events of the day (she has to be at work at O'dark :30 or 6am). So she says u cutting your hair really rattled everyone. He took it to the extreme but it shook everyone. I know its your hair but when you have children you'll understand. My reply is my hair was this short in '04 when I lived in Bmore the only difference is that I had a texturizer. Her reply: oh well maybe thats it I'll go buy one and put it in. ME:Um no. Im not putting chemicals in my hair anymore. And if he is using my cutting my hair as an excuse...um no he was already thinking about it. so then here comes the speech. U don't understand we as parents want whats best for you. We want you to look your best an be your best so that we can brag on you and show you off. Really? I mean really? I dont have any children let alone a house full, have never been to jail, don't use drugs, dont have a man beating me or using me. And I've spent my life tryna figure out who I am and my lot in life. Pursuing happiness and my dreams. Always tryna be enlightened and seeking knowledge and wisdom. I'm trying to have a better life and relationship with Christ.But that is a problem? Really? So what I got out of this conversation is you're ashamned of the way I look and I'm ugly. Oh and its my fault my dad reverted back to his old ways. Ok maybe thats extreme but I felt like that was what she was saying. Because I don't believe the hype about whats cute or pretty or beautiful but I don't push my beliefs off on you. It's definetely time for me to be out this joint. 9 days and a wake up. Why can't I be loved and excepted for me?

Labels: Relationships

My Name: Is Cocaine
© Desiree Kimbrue
I cause people grief, I cause people pain,
you may not know me, my name is cocaine.

I make people cry, I make people shout,
try me twice and you'll never get out.

Once you try me, you'll want more,
I live all around you, I might live next door.

When I possess you, you'll steal, cheat, and lie,
the crimes you'll commit just to get high.

If you need me, I live all around,
I live in your schools, I live in your town.

I'll take everything from you, your morals your pride,
once I'm with you, I’m always by your side.

You'll steal from your mom, and lie to your dad,
even when they cry you are never sad.

Come with me and do my ways,
forget your family and how you were raised.

I turn people from family, and separate friends,
and I'll be your friend in the very end.

Once you're with me you'll never love again,
You'll fade, and blow away with the wind.

I'll take away your family, your friends, your home,
then you won't have anyone, you'll be all alone.

I'll take until you have nothing left to give,
when I'm done with you, there will be no will to live.

I'm warning you this is no game,
you'll be lucky if I don't drive you insane.

I live with you everywhere, even in your bed,
the things you will see inside of your head.

Now that I've got you, you'll never be free,
at the end you'll regret ever trying me.

You should have said no, and walked away,
but instead you said yes and choose to stay.

I can bring more sorrow and misery that words can tell,
if you try me I'll lead you straight to hell.

Now I'm your master, you are my slave,
I'll go with you everywhere even to your grave.

Now that you're met me, what will you do?
will you try me or not, it's all up to you.

Well the days have been getting better. I did make a mistake or should I say I have a lesson learned today. Last night I decided to do the big chop. For the last 3 years almost I've been going back and forth about going natural so I decided to go ahead and go with the mini fro. Yeah that hasnt went over too well in my house. But all in all everything is good. Life is good and I am getting closer to God everyday. I'm not hungry like I thought I would be an I am experiencing some wonderful things. Keep ya posted

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

So as a part of the new yr I am on a mission to rebuild my temple. Yup I'm making changes. Don't like to use the words new years resolution we all know no one keeps them. I'm just on a mission to get my life on track spiritually, physically and emotionally. Yesterday after having some very heated fellowship with moms I went walking which is something I usually do with my sister and decided to go on a fast. I decided that in order to get myself back in tip top shape I have to get on it. I'm back to praying, meditating, journalling (is that a word? If it is how do u really spell it?) and fasting. Anyways last night in Bible study I discovered that the church is going on a 10 day corporate Daniels fast. Now seeing as though lil d tap danced on my brain on sunday I missed church and the start of the fast. So I decided to join in last night. Yeah....... I was dreaming about buttery rainbows and pots of potatoes with beds of steak. Yeah I was hungry. I think more than being hungry I just wanna smoke. See for some its not that hard but I am on a TOTAL new me program so smoking has to go. If u smoke like I smoke then u feel my pain. Ask my BFF Jill she called me last night around midnight...I tried to be nice. So I've been up for about 3 hours and while I am hungry (cant speak for u but a workout usually do that to me) I just have a strong urge to smoke. As my day goes on I'll update and make sure I haven't harmed anyone or myself. As of right now Day 1 hour 3 I'm good.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Why is it that everyone seems to want to tell you and think they know whats best for you? I've come to the realization that I am totally different from the folks around me. I've always known it since I was little and plotted my first escape on a etch a sketch. My family wants to know why Im not married. My dad wants to know why he doesnt have grandkids (still a sore spot and subject for me. Maybe one day my grieving process will end), My sister wants to know why I wont take a job with the Gecko. I don't bleve in settling in any aspect of my life. I believe with everything I have that you should NEVER give up on your dreams.And more importantly NEVER ever settle. I'm in the process of fulfilling mine. But I often find myself saying Why Jesus Why as I try to explain this to everyone around me. I don't beleive in dating just because. I want to be married so therefore I want to date someone who wants the same thing even if its not with me. At this point in my life I dont feel as though I have anything to offer anyone but my dreams. Who the hell wants that? I want to be in a better position before I have children. Who wants to wonder if they should buy food or gas when your children are looking at you like B*&%h we hungry! I mean some stuff to me is simple. I have learned 2 important things from the church I've been at since coming back home. 1) COmmon since is not common and 2)Never try to discuss spiritual matters with a non spiritual person. They wont get it. I can see my dreams coming tru more and more everyday. If you gave up on your dreams or if you've never had any why dash someone elses? A man without out dreams and goals might as well be dead. Maybe its just me.

Labels: Rants and Raves

So I'm flippin thru the 156,000 channels we have only to realize theres nothing on tv. I come a cross a show titled the secret diary of a call girl on Showtime. So I check it out. The chick is a call girl set in london with a male best friend who thinks shes a legal secretary. Shes telling her life story almost in video diary form and somewhere she decides to tell him shes a call girl after he tells her hes been engaged for a month. he wants to know if she was doing it while they were still together....Eh? So that leads me to a few questions. Can you truly be friends with someone you've had relations with? (He asks her later to include him in a menage) and no matter if your best friend is male or female can you truly tell them everything without them passing judgement ot being envious etc. I mean how much is too much? I can say my BFF knows everything about me minus one or two details but I always end up telling her anyway. I know everyone doesnt have that kind of relationship, but ours is different. We've been thru the struggle together.Even if we don't see each other often we talk ALL the time. Her opinion means the world to me. I know I get on her nerves at times and she on mine. My life would be incomplete without her though. I feel like shes my twin soul. Sorry back to the show. So dude has all these questions for her and shes tryna talk to him and fill in all the blanks in her life. So I totally forgot where I was going with this (example of my craziness) but if you have the chance check it out.

Labels: Random thoughts and feelings

So I didn't post last friday...got a lil busy but in true friday form and fashion here ya go. We have a lil Sean Paul Tempature, some Dj Khaled feat. everybody with We Takin Over and a double dose of that boi JEEZY. enjoy.

Labels: Look Out Weekend

I know I am a day late and a dollar short with the new year well wishes but its better late than never. Happy New Year. My year came in good. I spent is in church like I've done every year just about. Never been one to go out on New Years Eve. I can say that I have a really good feeling about this year. I believe that everything is gonna fall into place for me and things have already begun to. One of the things that I find myself praying about this year is for my friends and family to be whole. Nothing broken Nothing missing. To some that seems crazy but when you feel like something is missing from your life or that you just have to have this that and the third...well that leads to disaster. So prayer for everyone is to find and fill whatever emptiness is in your life. Then and only then can you have the life that God intended. John 10:10 says the theif comes but for to steal, kill, and destroy. But I AM come that you might have life and it more abundantly. So hold fast hold strong, stay your course. Don't give up. Don't give in. This is your year and your time to have everything your hearts desire. Be Blessed

Labels: Random thoughts and feelings