Dysfunctionally_Functioning

Today is one of the most celebrated days of the year. The thing that gets me is people fall into one of these categories. 1 being the Valentines Haters. These are the people who are usually single and has to piss on everyone Else's parades. Ive had my share of single valentines days but i would like to think I wasn't bitter about it. I received a text this morning that said Happy Crapintines Day. The Amazing thing is if they were in a relationship they will be all over the top about today. The others is the ones who go all out and wants the world to see what they're what they're boo got them. if their boo didn't send flowers to their job or class etc its a fight. To me this means that its all for show. I wont lie everyone wants and likes gifts myself included. I say why not show love all through the year? For me its nothing for me to leave notes on the mirror, the pillow or in the car. Whenever I'm away for a few days I always leave a card or place one in the mail for my boo thang. You see to me today is about giving and receiving love. If you don't have anyone to celebrate with celebrate yourself. How can you expect anyone to love you and date you if you cant do those things for yourself? Theres nothing wrong with taking yourself out. The only lame thing is pissing on someone else's happiness. The other group recognize today for what it is. They may show extra love to their boo but its from the heart and not the commercialized spectacle that the world has made it out to be. I started this morning off exchanging gifts with my boo and daughter before we got on with our day. Of course we have other things planned but they are all intimate and between us and the world. Remember if nothing else John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Be Blessed World and remember love thy self

Labels: Relationships

So where to begin? Once again my insecurities are getting the best of me. I have been managing to combat my craziness which is definitely a good thing. The problem I face now is cohabitation. Ive never wanted to cohabitate and honestly its never been an option. I've always put my foot down and stood my ground. But as I begin to grow and mature I know that this is a serious issue because I don't feel that this is the right way of doing things. I'm in situation now where my guy is pushing for this. In a way I feel as though I am compromising myself but not quite sure how to put this into words. I decided to move in but still have an uneasy feeling. Ive asked advice from those closest to me and most seems to think it is a good look. I don't exactly know how to explain my reservations during a time when cohabiting is so common place. I consider myself a contemporary traditionalist meaning while I am com temporary in a lot of ways I am a traditionalist at heart. I'm really feeling like this is the man for me though we face many obstacles. We are growing together but there are some things that scares me. As I am typing this I am more and more confused. I don't know what to do or which way to turn.

Labels: Relationships

I know for a fact that I am an emotional person. I try daily to keep my emotions in check and not make any decisions based out of emotions. What do you do when you're emotions get the best of you or you feel threatened? That's a problem I face in my new relationship. Its a challenge. I am very passionate. That passion can be used to fuel my love or my craziness. When I love I love hard. Once I've let someone in you're in. If I'm with you I'm with you. There is no halfway there is no in between or gray area. Its black or white all or nothing. I realize that due to past situations and relationships that I have been apart of makes me react in certain ways which is always not the best. So how do u combat that? How do u keep ur emotions from ruining something good. I have everything I want within this relationship. This is one like I've never had the pleasure of seeing in my lifetime. I've never seen it with a friend I've never seen it with a family member. In my family every household has been ran by women. Men always take the back seat. Now I find myself in a situation where this house is ran by the man. We talk things through but ultimately the final decision belongs to him. The motto here is I was a man when u came I'll be a man if you leave. So in other words get right or get left. I can be violent at times though I try to curb it. This could slowly be the undoing of my relationship. Idk how to function in this. I thank God that he's willing to talk things through and ride this emotional roller coaster but for how long? I don't believe I do things on purpose but I react out of what I know. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings, Relationships

I know for a fact that I am an emotional person. I try daily to keep my emotions in check and not make any decisions based out of emotions. What do you do when you're emotions get the best of you or you feel threatened? That's a problem I face in my new relationship. Its a challenge. I am very passionate. That passion can be used to fuel my love or my craziness. When I love I love hard. Once I've let someone in you're in. If I'm with you I'm with you. There is no halfway there is no in between or gray area. Its black or white all or nothing. I realize that due to past situations and relationships that I have been apart of makes me react in certain ways which is always not the best. So how do u combat that? How do u keep ur emotions from ruining something good. I have everything I want within this relationship. This is one like I've never had the pleasure of seeing in my lifetime. I've never seen it with a friend I've never seen it with a family member. In my family every household has been ran by women. Men always take the back seat. Now I find myself in a situation where this house is ran by the man. We talk things through but ultimately the final decision belongs to him. The motto here is I was a man when u came I'll be a man if you leave. So in other words get right or get left. I can be violent at times though I try to curb it. This could slowly be the undoing of my relationship. Idk how to function in this. I thank God that he's willing to talk things through and ride this emotional roller coaster but for how long? I don't believe I do things on purpose but I react out of what I know. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings, Relationships

i cant beieve i spent all this time typing to lose everything after i saved everything multiple times or so i thought uggh! Man it has really been a long long time since i last updated or logged in. it feels real arkward. Life today is good for me though. I have a new man in my life someone who I really feel is a God send. We have our share of ups and downs like any couple but the fact that we are willing to tslk things out and work through things is a big plus. Especially with the last few relationships i've had. I have a lot of issues that this relationship is bringing them out. But he is really hanging in there. Sometimes I think i may have some self sabotage secretly going on. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to have a good man after having a bad one. Its almost surreal. I've known him literally half of my life. I can say that I never saw this one coming. Even when we were gits I thought he was cute but never someone I would try. Im actually glad I didnt because I wouldnt have him now. This is the happiest Ive been in a very long time and I pray it continues.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Relationships

Man it really have been awhile. I did not realize just how long its been since
I've posted anything or even logged in. This past year has been a roller coaster ride. I compromised myself for the sake of a man. Still recovering from that one. I completely lost myself in that one. it was a situation I as so determined to make work that I lost myself, didnt recognize myself. Never let anyone use you no matter the situation. Sometimes we can be uor own worst enemies ya know? I had a lot to realize in that situation and I still get leary from time to time. I honestly have to thank God that I was able to get myself together enough that I didnt lose my mind. I had a minor set back with school but that is working itself out as well. I have a new man in my life that I feel is a God send. I mean really everything that I could go for everything I want. Its funny that its someone that Ive been knowing since I as abut 14. not usually someone i would go for but everyth8ing i like if that makes sense. Things have been moving a little swift maybe too swift but in a good way. My dad and all of his drama have been living with me since christmas driving me insane. It really has been a roller coaster. I really really like having my space and I have definitely not had any of that lately. ive been relaxing with the new boo for the past 9 days and it has really left me with a lot of thinking to do. Life changing decisions> I really hate long distance relationships which put me in a tough spot. Its more feasible for me to relocate than it is for him.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Relationships

This is going to be short sweet and to the point. On the 7th I celebrated 24 months of celibacy. Im all happy and all that jazz then I get hit in the stomach. Tomorrow makes 8 weeks since I did my big chop. SO I'm visting my cousin and its the 1st time shes seen me in 2 mo. So she says I like it I dont know what ur parents were tripping about. I think they think your gay. What? Really? she says yeah have you told them otherwise? Im thinking my parent KNOWS Im not gay WTH? So her girlfriend says Youre not gay? I always thought you were? Uh no! Im leaving that to yall. So then cuzzo says have you tried it? You should try it you might like it... Wait dont you might like it too much and have you all turned out 'round here. Um no! Im leaving that to yall no thank u. So Im telling this story to my sister and she says they dont think youre gay its just first impressions. When a person sees a lady and shes cut off her hair thats usually the road shes on. REALLY? Because in the cities I've lived in and hungout in thats not the case. But then I begin to think about it I am in mayberry with a buch of ignorant crabs. SO I said u know I cant get mad or hurt... Small town....Small minds

Labels: Rants and Raves, Relationships

Whenever I move and especially If I know I am not staying long I have 3 rules that I live by. #1.DO NOT fraternize with the locals, #2. DO NOT drink the water and lastly #3. DO NOT get in a relationship. This includes being in my hometown. I've had more than a few bad experiences. Yeah I broke rule #3. I'm back home bored outta my mind. Its a young man I've been knowing just about my whole life. This actually started before I moved back get to that later. We hadnt seen each other in ummmm lets say 10 yrs. Myspace is the devil. Long story short we've been going back and forth and recently we got together. Know Im confused. I know what he was expecting to pop but of course it didnt. He says he wants a relationship but I need to be patient due to the things he has going on right now. Hes working like 3 jobs not to mention the kids and all this other stuff. Thats not the problem. The problem is when my mind starts to rationalize or try to anyway. Thats dangerous because I tend to fall back on old ways of thinking. I have witnessed how hard and how much he works so I know hes not lying. However, the problem is being patient. Im not good at that. I hate when I dont...when I am left wondering. I know this probably doesnt make any sense but I am really going crazy. I was always told to listen when a man speaks he means what he says. But as I got older I saw that was not always true. I dont know. My mind is running 100 miles a second. I know this doesnt make any sense because Im having a problem putting my thoughts around it. I just feel like...............SLFJHEIOJHRF;.IEKHFUDFJVAHNRIEJAWREWJOKDL thats the universal sign for distress incase u dont know. Im just IDK............ I give up

Labels: Random thoughts and feelings, Relationships

I just posted a poem entitled My name is cocaine. What does that have to do with my detox? Everything. My dad started smoking crack in 1984. At the time I was four years old. Of course I didnt know it then and it was years before I found out. My mom is real good at hiding things and making excuses for everyone. Well after being sober for 14 months yesterday my dad fell off the wagon, truck, boat, whatever... he relapsed. I've posted previously that my parents are not together they have a very strange relationship at least in my eyes. on 30 Dec a friend of the family was murdered during a botched robbery so my dad came home for the funeral. So of course he was around all his old friends yada ya. But this all started on Friday which was when I decided to do the big chop and cut my hair. AS my nephew was finishing cutting my hair my dad in his most dramatic performance screams : AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA GO SMOKE ME A BIG FAT CRACK ROCK! Ok so me in typical fashion I say well don't put that on me if you go do that then you want to. he goes to bed after a stellar performance so I think nothing else about it until yesterday. After the funeral he is nowhere to be found. I figure he went home and would call me later. At about 11:40 moms is like I think your dad has messed up. No One has heard from him and he's not answering the phone. I let it go. Actually I just included him in my prayers a good portion of my prayers for the night. Then he wakes me at 7 in the a.m. in tru crackhead fashion asking questions about money. Then a couple hours later his girl calls and wants to know where he is because she hasnt heard from him either. Im on my way to church at the time and I am determined to make it there which I do. Church as usual was WONDERFUL. I leave church check the celly and see my moms has called me like 4 times. I hit her back and begin to tell her about the events of the day (she has to be at work at O'dark :30 or 6am). So she says u cutting your hair really rattled everyone. He took it to the extreme but it shook everyone. I know its your hair but when you have children you'll understand. My reply is my hair was this short in '04 when I lived in Bmore the only difference is that I had a texturizer. Her reply: oh well maybe thats it I'll go buy one and put it in. ME:Um no. Im not putting chemicals in my hair anymore. And if he is using my cutting my hair as an excuse...um no he was already thinking about it. so then here comes the speech. U don't understand we as parents want whats best for you. We want you to look your best an be your best so that we can brag on you and show you off. Really? I mean really? I dont have any children let alone a house full, have never been to jail, don't use drugs, dont have a man beating me or using me. And I've spent my life tryna figure out who I am and my lot in life. Pursuing happiness and my dreams. Always tryna be enlightened and seeking knowledge and wisdom. I'm trying to have a better life and relationship with Christ.But that is a problem? Really? So what I got out of this conversation is you're ashamned of the way I look and I'm ugly. Oh and its my fault my dad reverted back to his old ways. Ok maybe thats extreme but I felt like that was what she was saying. Because I don't believe the hype about whats cute or pretty or beautiful but I don't push my beliefs off on you. It's definetely time for me to be out this joint. 9 days and a wake up. Why can't I be loved and excepted for me?

Labels: Relationships

Hello my name is ________ and I'm a alcoholic. So today I went to an AA meeting. No I am not an alcoholic nor do I drink. I went to support my dad. The last time I went I was maybe 13. TOnight was different though. Starters I really didnt want to go. I get there and Im thinking I dont want to hear these folks problems or even drag up memories. It turned out to be a tear jerker and worth an hour out of my day. One would think that because I dream of being a psychologist that I would be ok. Umm no. I hate being in groups and group therapy. I dont need a group to tell me how jacked my life is because of my upbringing and I really dont want to sit and listen to my dad tell all our business to a stranger. So I'm in the mtg and of course I was introduced as his daughter. With this people started talking about their relationships with their kids and how their addictions played a role. I wont say that it was something I needed but more so something they needed. It did help in a way because my eyes were somewhat opened. I know it has to be really hard to stand up before someone and admit your problems and shortcomings. I commend each and everyone of those 25 people there tonight. I did make me want to stop being so hard on my dad, but it also made me realize that just like they are in transition so are we are their children. I did agree to attend another meeting with him before I leave tomorrow. Who knows. I will say that I am very proud of each of the people and families represented tonight. So while we are all different and our experiences are the same if you have someone in your life who is in the process of cleaning up give them a chance. My dad started getting high when I was 4 I am now 28 and hes been clean for a year. Hes been drinking for longer than that and has been sober for a year. While over my lifetime I have heard him say a many a day that he was quiting the fact that he is actually trying means a lot. Who knows maybe now when I have children I will let him be around them because I always said that I would not. I am proud and who knows maybe our relationship will heal and move forward as well. Be blessed.

Labels: Relationships

Labels: Relationships