Dysfunctionally_Functioning

I just posted a poem entitled My name is cocaine. What does that have to do with my detox? Everything. My dad started smoking crack in 1984. At the time I was four years old. Of course I didnt know it then and it was years before I found out. My mom is real good at hiding things and making excuses for everyone. Well after being sober for 14 months yesterday my dad fell off the wagon, truck, boat, whatever... he relapsed. I've posted previously that my parents are not together they have a very strange relationship at least in my eyes. on 30 Dec a friend of the family was murdered during a botched robbery so my dad came home for the funeral. So of course he was around all his old friends yada ya. But this all started on Friday which was when I decided to do the big chop and cut my hair. AS my nephew was finishing cutting my hair my dad in his most dramatic performance screams : AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA GO SMOKE ME A BIG FAT CRACK ROCK! Ok so me in typical fashion I say well don't put that on me if you go do that then you want to. he goes to bed after a stellar performance so I think nothing else about it until yesterday. After the funeral he is nowhere to be found. I figure he went home and would call me later. At about 11:40 moms is like I think your dad has messed up. No One has heard from him and he's not answering the phone. I let it go. Actually I just included him in my prayers a good portion of my prayers for the night. Then he wakes me at 7 in the a.m. in tru crackhead fashion asking questions about money. Then a couple hours later his girl calls and wants to know where he is because she hasnt heard from him either. Im on my way to church at the time and I am determined to make it there which I do. Church as usual was WONDERFUL. I leave church check the celly and see my moms has called me like 4 times. I hit her back and begin to tell her about the events of the day (she has to be at work at O'dark :30 or 6am). So she says u cutting your hair really rattled everyone. He took it to the extreme but it shook everyone. I know its your hair but when you have children you'll understand. My reply is my hair was this short in '04 when I lived in Bmore the only difference is that I had a texturizer. Her reply: oh well maybe thats it I'll go buy one and put it in. ME:Um no. Im not putting chemicals in my hair anymore. And if he is using my cutting my hair as an excuse...um no he was already thinking about it. so then here comes the speech. U don't understand we as parents want whats best for you. We want you to look your best an be your best so that we can brag on you and show you off. Really? I mean really? I dont have any children let alone a house full, have never been to jail, don't use drugs, dont have a man beating me or using me. And I've spent my life tryna figure out who I am and my lot in life. Pursuing happiness and my dreams. Always tryna be enlightened and seeking knowledge and wisdom. I'm trying to have a better life and relationship with Christ.But that is a problem? Really? So what I got out of this conversation is you're ashamned of the way I look and I'm ugly. Oh and its my fault my dad reverted back to his old ways. Ok maybe thats extreme but I felt like that was what she was saying. Because I don't believe the hype about whats cute or pretty or beautiful but I don't push my beliefs off on you. It's definetely time for me to be out this joint. 9 days and a wake up. Why can't I be loved and excepted for me?

Labels: Relationships