Dysfunctionally_Functioning

I really have to get better at updating. So much has happened in the last 9 months its crazy. I am finally out of the middle of nowhere and back to life!!! Back to life back to reality. As crazy as life has been me and my inner circle have all been having our needs met and our dreams have been coming true. I have to say thank God for Jesus. He really is my saving grace. I made a decision that I felt was the best for me which was to finish my bachelors degree and I would have to move with or without the man. Of course he was not having that and we made plans to move together. Hes also been out of work since may so moving would be in the best for all involved. My bestest was married in Jamaica in Aug and it was beautiful. She was beautiful and so was the island. I had my passport for almost a year before using it and I am so glad I did. I will say to any and everyone that if you dont have a passport get one. Thats the first step. After that you will be more inclined to use it and set aside time and money. On Dec 30th the man proposed and tho it wasnt my dream proposal I am happy he did. I had it made up in my mind that if he didnt ask before I left there would be no us. Of course he will argue me down about this. he says women always mess things up by putting deadlines on things. In Jan my bestest found out she was pregnant and so did my best friend. As we are set to move we get a call saying that we need to get his daughter. Totally but all our plans in limbo. Not a bad thing just wish it would have happened differently. Shes not a bad kid but she is very sneaky. She has her dad wrapped around her fingers. im just thankful that I dont have to deal with her mama now that shes with us. That was almost the breaking point for me. I can deal with a lot of things but a ignorant baby mama isnt one of them. So with all that being said we packed up and moved 4 states away and I am in my last semester of school. Praise God!!!! Downside is Its a 4.5 hr drive one way. If we didnt have our daughter we would be able to do things a little different but Im willing to make the sacrifice. I think Im gonna stay near the school 3 nights a week and come home the other 4. While it will be expensive its still less expensive than me driving back and forth everyday. I know a lot of my friends and family dont understand and they think I can do better, all i can say is that in life we all make choices. THe key is to learn from them all. My life was altered 7 yrs ago in the same 2 cities that I find myself commuting from now. I feel as though this is going to bring me full circle and now my life can start a new. New year.new me.newbeginning

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

I know for a fact that I am an emotional person. I try daily to keep my emotions in check and not make any decisions based out of emotions. What do you do when you're emotions get the best of you or you feel threatened? That's a problem I face in my new relationship. Its a challenge. I am very passionate. That passion can be used to fuel my love or my craziness. When I love I love hard. Once I've let someone in you're in. If I'm with you I'm with you. There is no halfway there is no in between or gray area. Its black or white all or nothing. I realize that due to past situations and relationships that I have been apart of makes me react in certain ways which is always not the best. So how do u combat that? How do u keep ur emotions from ruining something good. I have everything I want within this relationship. This is one like I've never had the pleasure of seeing in my lifetime. I've never seen it with a friend I've never seen it with a family member. In my family every household has been ran by women. Men always take the back seat. Now I find myself in a situation where this house is ran by the man. We talk things through but ultimately the final decision belongs to him. The motto here is I was a man when u came I'll be a man if you leave. So in other words get right or get left. I can be violent at times though I try to curb it. This could slowly be the undoing of my relationship. Idk how to function in this. I thank God that he's willing to talk things through and ride this emotional roller coaster but for how long? I don't believe I do things on purpose but I react out of what I know. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings, Relationships

I know for a fact that I am an emotional person. I try daily to keep my emotions in check and not make any decisions based out of emotions. What do you do when you're emotions get the best of you or you feel threatened? That's a problem I face in my new relationship. Its a challenge. I am very passionate. That passion can be used to fuel my love or my craziness. When I love I love hard. Once I've let someone in you're in. If I'm with you I'm with you. There is no halfway there is no in between or gray area. Its black or white all or nothing. I realize that due to past situations and relationships that I have been apart of makes me react in certain ways which is always not the best. So how do u combat that? How do u keep ur emotions from ruining something good. I have everything I want within this relationship. This is one like I've never had the pleasure of seeing in my lifetime. I've never seen it with a friend I've never seen it with a family member. In my family every household has been ran by women. Men always take the back seat. Now I find myself in a situation where this house is ran by the man. We talk things through but ultimately the final decision belongs to him. The motto here is I was a man when u came I'll be a man if you leave. So in other words get right or get left. I can be violent at times though I try to curb it. This could slowly be the undoing of my relationship. Idk how to function in this. I thank God that he's willing to talk things through and ride this emotional roller coaster but for how long? I don't believe I do things on purpose but I react out of what I know. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings, Relationships

i cant beieve i spent all this time typing to lose everything after i saved everything multiple times or so i thought uggh! Man it has really been a long long time since i last updated or logged in. it feels real arkward. Life today is good for me though. I have a new man in my life someone who I really feel is a God send. We have our share of ups and downs like any couple but the fact that we are willing to tslk things out and work through things is a big plus. Especially with the last few relationships i've had. I have a lot of issues that this relationship is bringing them out. But he is really hanging in there. Sometimes I think i may have some self sabotage secretly going on. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to have a good man after having a bad one. Its almost surreal. I've known him literally half of my life. I can say that I never saw this one coming. Even when we were gits I thought he was cute but never someone I would try. Im actually glad I didnt because I wouldnt have him now. This is the happiest Ive been in a very long time and I pray it continues.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Relationships

Man it really have been awhile. I did not realize just how long its been since
I've posted anything or even logged in. This past year has been a roller coaster ride. I compromised myself for the sake of a man. Still recovering from that one. I completely lost myself in that one. it was a situation I as so determined to make work that I lost myself, didnt recognize myself. Never let anyone use you no matter the situation. Sometimes we can be uor own worst enemies ya know? I had a lot to realize in that situation and I still get leary from time to time. I honestly have to thank God that I was able to get myself together enough that I didnt lose my mind. I had a minor set back with school but that is working itself out as well. I have a new man in my life that I feel is a God send. I mean really everything that I could go for everything I want. Its funny that its someone that Ive been knowing since I as abut 14. not usually someone i would go for but everyth8ing i like if that makes sense. Things have been moving a little swift maybe too swift but in a good way. My dad and all of his drama have been living with me since christmas driving me insane. It really has been a roller coaster. I really really like having my space and I have definitely not had any of that lately. ive been relaxing with the new boo for the past 9 days and it has really left me with a lot of thinking to do. Life changing decisions> I really hate long distance relationships which put me in a tough spot. Its more feasible for me to relocate than it is for him.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Relationships

Its been a few fam whats good? I cant believe its 4:30 in the a.m and Im up with a bowl of frosted flakes blogging. Ive been saying Ill update tomorrow and hadnt gotten around to it. So I guess today is that tomorrow. Ive been declaring and decreeing that this is the best year ever and so far it has been. I mean I have had a few setbacks. My granddad passed away last month but I dealing with it. Im happy that he is not in pain anymore and I pray he is in a better place. My apt is starting to feel and look like home an school is good. Physics almost took me out but Thank God/Jesus I passed and its over. Still single but Im happy. Is there a such thing as happily single? I would love to be in a relationship but right now I have to be happy in spite of. I have spent too much time being unhappy. My whole life has been filled with misery, pain and unhappiness so I have decided that this is it. Its a wrap. Im gettin it in any way possible. Its not easy but sometime you have to pull yourself up and encourage yourself. Im going hard after God right now and HE has truly been my resting place. I guess this is what is meant by a mountaintop experience. I dont have a lot but what I have I am thankful for nd content. I've been getting blessing after blessing. In January I completed a 21 day fast no bread, meat or sweets. It was challenging but I drew soo close to God and saw Him in ways I never thought possible. It was an awesome experince. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and we get in the way of our own happiness. Im learning that no matter what you have to make a conscious decision that no matter what comes my way I shall survive. You have to get it in however you can. No matter whats going on you have to find something to smile about. Theres something to thank God for even if its only Thank you Jesus I didnt punch so and so in the face and catch that charge :). Find something. I kno Im throwing a lot out there an jumping frm place to place but this is what happens at 0450. I still dont kno why I am awake. I really should be finishing all this homework I have and preparing for my exam on tuesday. Im about to call it a night/morning. Ive put food in my tummy watched Pastor Jamal and got some word for my soul maybe now I can rest. Thank God I dont have class or work today. Be blessed fam

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Today I heard a msg in church that got me thinking. How often is it that we carry our past into our future? The pastor used an illustration today of packing your bags going to the airport. You pack your bags ,check them and get on the plane to go to your destination. Once you get to your destination you retrieve your luggage. so here you are in a new place picking you your old bags to carry with you. How many times must you carry around old baggage before you realize that that's whats been holding you back? You can move and meet the same person over and over and don't know why or experience the same situation over and over and wonder why. I know this has happened to me more than i care to admit. So I got to thinking there are many times when i thought I had let go of something only to realize that i did not.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

Next thursday I'll be 29...... I cant believe I'm so close to being 30. A male friend of mine once said that the 30s was the best place to be. You are no longer making the foolish mistakes of your 20s and you have figured out who you are and what you like. Im actually looking forward to it even if I cant believe it :). I look around and I realize Im not the only one who is not where they want to be in some area of their life. I decided to forgo Baltimore and finishing my Bachelors for now and stay local and go to school here at Sanford Brown. I figure if its the Lords will I can always go back and take the last funky 3 classes. Its sounds a lil crazy but for some reason something comes up to stop me from leaving. So I'll take this one. :) I'm actually excited to be starting back. Feels like I am finally moving forward making progress. After all that is what life is about right? My thing though that I am wondering about is: Are the men better at 30? Meaning please tell me they have sense. I've dealt with 30 year olds before but I was a lil youngun still in my early to mid 20s. I hope they are anyway. The closer I get the more I realize that I'll rather be by myself than have to put up with some of the things I see around me. I know everyone has problems and no one is perfect however, some of this is str8 foolishness! My friend says I'm living in a fairytale I say just because you have never see something doesnt mean its not true. Who knows maybe I am being a bit naive. All I know is sometimes things dont work out the way we planned but it ALWAYS works out for the best! All I can say is God is good ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME God is good! Let the church say....AMEN!!! HAHAHAHA

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

So as we all know I am on a steady incline of self awareness and motivation and yada da. So Over that last lil while I have gained a lil weight. hmmmm now to me I look fine. I mean I have always been a toothpick so of course when you see me now youre like DZAM! I am 5'9 and somewhere between 170-175 lbs. Which for my height I am good. Im not flabby at all but it is well distributed...minus the pudge in my stomach.:) Well anyway I started feeling all down and low ( u know that happens when you have the wrong people speaking into your life). And I woke up like OMG I hate my body blah blah blah. Yeah that lasted all of a day. I woke up the next day like Im the worlds next top model. But I did decide to actually cut out a few things for a couple of months and see how I like it. Of course I am countinuously working on the positive thinking and removing negative folk and things from my life. but I decided to cut out sweets and junk food until my birthday. and also smoking ( yeah I started back). So Yesterday was my first day.... Let me tell u I woke up like a bonafide Fiend. My body was like u have a few choices here... orgasm, nicotine or sugar what its gone be? Ok Praise God I did none of the above. Now I wont lie I did drink almost a whole bottle of wine on Friday and I promise I am not doing that again. I think thats why I woke up saturday depressed and hungover. Seeing as though I havent had a drink in well over 2 yrs...trust I remember why now. But anyway. I want to lose the pudge and tone up. I've never been more than 145 so I can feel this 170. So I made it anutha day..yaaaay so hopefully, prayerfully I'll make it and get my desired end. 28 may is a long time away. _____________SIDEBAR__________So in the midst of all this today my mom calls and tells me that one of my childhood friends and mother to 2 of my lil cousins passed away today. she was only 28 and a mother of 5. she was HIV positive and I'm sad but I know shes not in pain anymore ya know. This is the kind of thing that makes u realize just how short life on this side of eternity really is.It made me think about things like would you rather live life like there is a Heaven and die and find out there isnt or live like there isnt one and die and find out there is and spend eternity looking up at it instead of enjoying it? Im not saying that she didnt make her peace cause you never know those things. Everyone that thinks they are going to heaven isnt. Anyway just made me think. _____________Back to our regular scheduled program_________ So after moms woke me up with that bit of news my first thought..... smoke and eat. I did the latter but not the former. I am proud that I have a lil more will power than I thought :)

Until next time be blessed.

Oh yeah... please keep my people in your prayers.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

I have never known a love like this. U love me. U really loves me. At the mention of your name I smile. the thought of you brings tears to my eyes. Yeah it's that powerful. That awesome. I mean its the butterflies in my stomach and smile until my cheeks hurt type of joy. I've had a few before when I thought it was love only to find out it was lust or infatuation. I've search high and low, travelled from state to state trying to fill that ever increasing hole, trying to fill that void that was getting larger and larger, but love I could never find. Then when I decided to give up and wait..there you were. U said to me I am all that you need. I will never hurt you, I will never leave you. I will never disrespect you, hit you, or make you feel less than the queen that you are. A perfect gentleman you are. Never forceful as others before you have been. Never violent or short tempered. Always gentle and kind. Whenever I call u welcome me with open arms. When I came to you, you said loving me will not be easy. I will take you to places you've never seen and give you things you only dream of if you let me. I can be all that you need but you have to trust me. You cannot bring your past into our future. You have to give yourself to me totally. You love me unconditionally meaning under no condition. You told me many will not understand our love. Many will desire it, but only a few will experience it. Some will say you've changed and others will simply fall off. But that's okay. They have served their purpose in your life if its meant to be they will come back. You will be talked about and even mistreated but I will ALWAYS be here no matter what. All you have to do is trust me. Give me your all. I never thought I would be able to love again. Too afraid of being hurt again. Tired of the games. Tired of the lies. But this one is different. Different in every way. I never thought it was possible but I dared to dream. My dream is now my reality. I am complete I am whole. Nothing missing nothing broken. All I can say is THANK YOU! And I pray that I can love you the way that you love me. I pray that I can do for you what you have done for me love you like you have loved and sacrificed for me. Its real. Don't believe me? Try for yourself. His name....Jesus. And like He did it for me he can do it for you.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Recently I mentioned the fact that I was going thru a renewal process. So I sat down and decided to make a list... 12 steps to be exact of what I think the renewal process should be. These steps are 1 for every month of the year. I did it like this to keep me on my toes. Each month you should start a new step but also continuing with the previous steps as well. So as time goes by I will add a new step until I have all 12.
Step 1: Renew your mind. Remove all negative thoughts, feelings and emotions. Remove all negative energy. This is a little hard to do but can be done. anytime something negative comes your way remove yourself. This is a good time for you to get closer to you higher power whomever that may be.
Step 2: Change your focus: What you focus on becomes thought. Thoughts turn into decisions. Decisions becomes actions. Actions becomes results. Results become your life. What that means is this: whatever you put your time into will become your life. If you are focusing on a man, keeping a man, getting a man, a career, money etc.. that will consume u. It will eat you alive. Results bringforth experiences and consequences. Experinces are immediate. Consequences not so much. Example.. you meet a guy at the club. He has the car the money the bling. You decide to go home with him. The experience he was the best you ever had. The consequence you found out your pregnant and HIV positive. Maybe thats extreme but you get my point. Its 2009 its time to get right or get left. Better yourself. Do better for your children. Stop looking for handouts as if the world owes u. Stop blaming others for your situation. If you are grown then you have choices. But know that there will be consequences. Good or bad you will have them.
Step 3: Change your inner circle: Sometimes those closest to us do us more harm. You cannot allow everyone to be in your front row. Some folk are just haters. If whenever a certain person comes around there is always choas theres a good chance they should be removed.
Step 4: Embrace yourself. Everyone has something they do not like about themselves. Be accepting of you. If you don't love, respect and appreciate yourself how can anyone else? Why would anyone else? This is the time dedicated to you. No one else. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Shut off the phone dont answer the door. Catch up on all the things you wanted to do but never got around to it.
Step 5: Detox. Stop smoking, exercise, lose weight, eat healthy, get off the phone, stay off the net, end toxic relationships. Whatever it is that has you hostage now is the time to let go. You dont have to give things up completely unless you want. But this is the time to have burdens removed and yokes destroyed. Get free from all bondage.
Step 5.5: Get an accountability partner. This is someone you trust. It CANNOT be a spouse. You have to remain open and honest at all times. Transparent. This person should know what you are trying to accomplish and should keep you on your toes. They should be available whenever you need them. Its good to meet or talk once a week to keep eachother updated. This person should also be called when you are feeling weak and thinking about going back to your old ways/habits/mindset etc..


If it helps keep a journal to see if you've changed at all during this year.
Remember in order to change your world you have to first change yourself.

This is just a lil something I'm doing. Not a New Years Resolution.I don't bleve in those. I'll keep you posted.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

I asked the question what makes a person beautiful? well this is a follow up to that. A message to all parents, aunts, uncles if you will. I don't have children of my own yet but dammit I was a child once. So here it is. You are your child's first introduction to the world. It is your job to provide for them and make them feel safe, secure and beautiful among other things. I was around someone a few days ago that has 3 children. She called them all kinds of nappy head hoes, lil mf's, bitches..etc you get the point. Its 2 girls and a boy. It broke my heart. Now don't get me wrong my tourettes kicks in when I am upset and if you are the center of my wrath yeah you will be called a many of things all but a child of God. But I'm looking at these babies and they are answering to these names. Its almost like if you walked up to one of them and said "whats you name?" they would reply Lil Bitch. I said all of that to say this what you don't give them at home someone else in the street will. And it will not be the attention they needed, wanted or was looking for. Trust I know. A child should not have to look elsewhere for love or to learn what love is. Many of us has grown up functioning in dysfunction and past it along to our children. If you didn't like it why would you do it to them? Y would u think they would feel different? Its my opinion that a child feels love from the womb. (If you've been pregnant and hated someone and wondered y after the baby was born they hated the person thats your answer). A child knows things without you saying it. Before they become corrupted they are just like little angels. They have a connection to God that we as adults have lost due to that thing we call life. So love your child. Show them you love them not just materially but also by spending time with them. Talk to them and let them know they are important and what they think is important. Tell them how beautiful they are and dont make them feel ashamed because of their skin, hair,weight, eyes etc.. Let them know how much you treasure them even if they LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR DAYUMN DADDY!

Be Blessed

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

What is beauty? Who determines what makes a person beautiful? Can it be measured? Yesterday I was going thru a few photo albums at both my mom and my sisters and came across some childhood photos of me. What I say me my eyes sweat. I saw the most beautiful little girl. Funny thing is I've never felt that way. The only time my parents or family has ever said that I was pretty was when I was permed up and had on pounds of makeup. So that was the example of beauty set before me. All my life all I ever heard was how beautiful my sister was and how she use to stop traffic. Me on the other hand I am railroad thin and the uncute one. So then I begin to think... My mom is dark skinned but I know she doesnt like it. All her life she was told how ugly she was so she made as she puts it kept her face made up and hair done. She tells this story of being a lil girl and walkingpast a crowd of people. A girl looks and says ohh she is so ugly! Well it was a young man in the crowd he was about 14 cause moms was like 8, and he says no shes not shes beautiful. I thank GOD for that youngman whomever he may be. But, sadly the damage had been done. So she in turn pushed it off on me. Both my sister and I are brown skin borderline light. Her dad is black and Indian and my dad is just light. I think that comes from her experiences growing up. Better yet I know. Its like the story I heard about the elephant . An elephant was captured in the jungle they took him and tied a string around his leg and whenever he tried to move he couldnt go far. When they removed the string he would still only move as far as he could with the string on. The point is once you have a persons mind you have them. It doesnt matter if they are no longer slaves. They are still enslaved in their mind. That brings up the issue of natural hair and beauty. Does having Napptural hair make u less beautiful? Of course me being napptural I have to say no. As my BFF would say: How do you not like what is growing outta your scalp? What makes a person beautiful?

Labels: Journey To A Better Me, Random thoughts and feelings

If you've been following then you know that as the year begin I started a fast or of a detoxing of my life. Well, I am moving forward from detox to renewal. I've purged quite a few things from my life and I've really been on a mission not only to get back on track but to be better than I was before. See I've been thru it all well lets just say a lot. Attempted molestation at the hands of a relative, drowing at age7, living with an addict, the ups and downs of relationships, making someone a priority when I was only a option, miscarriage, rape, abortion, depression, PTSD etc... In the midst of it all I recieved a touch from El Elyon (The Most High). A couple of years ago I was in the most amazing place. all was well in my soul. Then I hit a rut. I allowed outside influences into my life. I allowed people whom I thought were on the road I was on and tryin to get better speak into my life. You really have to watch who it is that you allow into your frint row. Everyone will not be there to cheer you on or pray for you when it gets rough. Or pray with you when that is the only thing that can be done. I try very hard to put into every relationship that I have no matter who it may be what I want in return. I try to be the best friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin etc.. that I can be. I am a optimist for the most part but I am also human and sensitive. I don't force myself or opinions on anyone else. Once I see that I am hitting a brick wall I'm done. It's a wrap I'm moving on. I will not beat you over the head with my thoughts and opinions. This has cause problems to a many a folk who don't understand that approach. Some see me as judgemental yet others see it as selfishness and others as me withdrawing. Call it what you may I call it allowing you to do you and when you need me I'm a phone call, email, text or short drive away. For the people thats been in my life 3 years or less they don't get it. Anyway the whole renewal thing is just a renewal of my mind. I'm playing keep away from all negativity. Thats means thoughts, actions, people and words. Its impossible to a degree because you are the only thing and person you have control over. As the guard of you, you control what you allow in thru your ear gate, eye gate, mouth and mind. You choose what you recieve and what you don't. Other people are only to blame for so much. Trust I spent a lot of time on that playground. I'm learning that once you allow God/Jesus into your life totally you have to let Him do what it is He does best. God is not a bully and will not force himself on you. He is the perfect gentleman. The key is you have to make yourself avaiable to Him. That is a hard thing to do. I struggle with it everyday, but I also get better at it everyday. I want everyone in my life to experience the person of Jesus. Seek His face and not just His hand. People can and will bring you down if you allow it. YOu have to be cafeful who and what you allow to be spoken over you. When people are talking they are planting seeds even when you don't realize it. Its just like church. Everyone that says they are a Christian is not. Many believe but only a few follow. The bible says in Isaiah 18Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
What I get from that is dont live in the past. Hes doing something new.
So I don't know who this was for because I had no intention of writing all of this :). SO to all of you in the struggle keep your head up. stayed prayed up and be blessed.
Romans 12:2:
2(A) Do not be conformed to this world,[a] but be transformed by(B) the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may(C) discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[b]

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

It's been awhile and I really don't know where to begin. I made it through the fast... Praise God! The funny thing is I haven't been able to go back to my regular diet and I am thinking about going back on the fast. Yeah I know a lil crazy but the harder you make it on yourself the easier it is for God to show up and show out ( or at least I hear :-] ).Other than that I can say that I am tired, but I can also say that I am in transition. Transition more so because since the year has started my prayers have had the theme less of me and more of you. Translation: I am going after God with my whole heart. I want Him to be evident in my life. Let His light shine and my light dim. I have been praying for the things and people in my life that do not represent Him and His will be removed. In other words Be It Unto me. Whatever it is that is for me be it unto me. The problem with this is sometime you are not ready for the things you seek or ask. This is truly where faith comes in. The other problem is that people around you may not understand and look at you like youre crazy or have 6 heads. I've really been reevaluating my life and relationships. While I was on the fast I removed pretty much all "worldly" things from around me and only put in the Word. I can honestly say that my thinking has changed and so has my tolerance. Good, bad, indifferent...TBD. I'm excited yet ummm nervous about what is before me. Maybe because I can't see it. I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is my life isnt the same.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

So its day 5 and I am really sluggish. Seeing as though this isnt my first fast I knew it would be coming. I havent really eaten or drinking anything today which is prolly y I have this I feel like Im preggers tiredness going on. I missed out on my jog and blading again today just not up to it. My dad showed up this morning around 2. His girl called to say that he made it in but she hadn't spoken with him. I was like ok. I mean she did call me 97 times yesterday. Then my grampa and aunt blowing up the line this morning so I guess I could have been a lil more excited.Or at least happy he made it and is ok. Yeah...noo. He gets on the phone with the story in truw crackhead fashion. It went a lil something like this: The water pump went out on my car and my celly died and I didnt have the car charger so I had no way of getting in touch with anyone. ALmost believable. But the truth is I know him and or I should say I know his habits. I know the actions that he takes in certain situations. Somethings are just predictable. See I realize that this is what happens whenever I start to halfway liking him and letting him in on my life. HE is partially the reason why Im from Missouri. you know the show me state. Everyone that comes in my life pretty much have to prove themselves in other words show me. I take nothing at face value. Maybe I am being a hypocrite. I just wrote to my BFF and told her she shouldnt judge her present relationship based off of past ones. Hmmmmmm. Nope this my daddy Im talking about and I say I am tired of being let down by him. I just pray that he gets better and stronger and maybe then we can have the relationship that we have been working on for the past 14 months. If that didnt make sense just blame it on my wondering mind.

Until....

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

Well the days have been getting better. I did make a mistake or should I say I have a lesson learned today. Last night I decided to do the big chop. For the last 3 years almost I've been going back and forth about going natural so I decided to go ahead and go with the mini fro. Yeah that hasnt went over too well in my house. But all in all everything is good. Life is good and I am getting closer to God everyday. I'm not hungry like I thought I would be an I am experiencing some wonderful things. Keep ya posted

Labels: Journey To A Better Me

So as a part of the new yr I am on a mission to rebuild my temple. Yup I'm making changes. Don't like to use the words new years resolution we all know no one keeps them. I'm just on a mission to get my life on track spiritually, physically and emotionally. Yesterday after having some very heated fellowship with moms I went walking which is something I usually do with my sister and decided to go on a fast. I decided that in order to get myself back in tip top shape I have to get on it. I'm back to praying, meditating, journalling (is that a word? If it is how do u really spell it?) and fasting. Anyways last night in Bible study I discovered that the church is going on a 10 day corporate Daniels fast. Now seeing as though lil d tap danced on my brain on sunday I missed church and the start of the fast. So I decided to join in last night. Yeah....... I was dreaming about buttery rainbows and pots of potatoes with beds of steak. Yeah I was hungry. I think more than being hungry I just wanna smoke. See for some its not that hard but I am on a TOTAL new me program so smoking has to go. If u smoke like I smoke then u feel my pain. Ask my BFF Jill she called me last night around midnight...I tried to be nice. So I've been up for about 3 hours and while I am hungry (cant speak for u but a workout usually do that to me) I just have a strong urge to smoke. As my day goes on I'll update and make sure I haven't harmed anyone or myself. As of right now Day 1 hour 3 I'm good.

Labels: Journey To A Better Me