Dysfunctionally_Functioning
Monday, December 29, 2008
AA
Hello my name is ________ and I'm a alcoholic. So today I went to an AA meeting. No I am not an alcoholic nor do I drink. I went to support my dad. The last time I went I was maybe 13. TOnight was different though. Starters I really didnt want to go. I get there and Im thinking I dont want to hear these folks problems or even drag up memories. It turned out to be a tear jerker and worth an hour out of my day. One would think that because I dream of being a psychologist that I would be ok. Umm no. I hate being in groups and group therapy. I dont need a group to tell me how jacked my life is because of my upbringing and I really dont want to sit and listen to my dad tell all our business to a stranger. So I'm in the mtg and of course I was introduced as his daughter. With this people started talking about their relationships with their kids and how their addictions played a role. I wont say that it was something I needed but more so something they needed. It did help in a way because my eyes were somewhat opened. I know it has to be really hard to stand up before someone and admit your problems and shortcomings. I commend each and everyone of those 25 people there tonight. I did make me want to stop being so hard on my dad, but it also made me realize that just like they are in transition so are we are their children. I did agree to attend another meeting with him before I leave tomorrow. Who knows. I will say that I am very proud of each of the people and families represented tonight. So while we are all different and our experiences are the same if you have someone in your life who is in the process of cleaning up give them a chance. My dad started getting high when I was 4 I am now 28 and hes been clean for a year. Hes been drinking for longer than that and has been sober for a year. While over my lifetime I have heard him say a many a day that he was quiting the fact that he is actually trying means a lot. Who knows maybe now when I have children I will let him be around them because I always said that I would not. I am proud and who knows maybe our relationship will heal and move forward as well. Be blessed.
Labels: Relationships
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Going to Hell on scholarship
We all know (and in case you dont now you do) that I am trying really hard to walk out this life with Christ. Somehow today I was set back a millenia. For the past 22 months I have been in church and tithing on the regular. Now I havent been to a church with a choir in a minute. I've gotten use to the praise team. And I've gotten use to being in a large church. When I say large I mean well over 200 people. This weekend I decided to roll down south to Ft.Myers area to be with my dad and step family. He said he was getting baptized and he would like for me to be in attendance. Thats totally not a problem. Anything thats keeping my dad clean and sober is cool with me. I shoulda known it was something when my stepmom said I've never seen people dress up the way they do at this church. I didnt pay it any mind. When we pulled in the parking lot I knew instantly what she meant. My people are the only ones who has to be Supa Dupa fly wherever they go. Cleaner than the state board of health.
I havent been to a baptist church in years. Today while visiting with my daddy and his girl I went to church with them. Now I grew up in a Baptist Church from the time I was old enough to speak to the age of about 10. When I sat down it brought back soo many memories. I almost wanted to sit in the back and sneak out to goto the store or the candy lady for old times. Now this is what got me though. Was it the Choir director who had the Platinum blonde mohawk who just so happen to be going bald? Was it the keyboardist who remade both Silver and Gold and We Worship u and the choir had to play catchup cause they didnt know what was going on? That kinda reminded me of Ray Chu and the Crew from Showtime at the Apollo messing up everyones music. Or was it all the excersize I got for standing and sitting? Maybe it was the asthma attack it seemed the Pastor kept having while he was talking or maybe it was because I had to keep addressing my neighbors who happen to be the only two white people in the church ( they were with me of my dads girl and her son but that doesnt matter) or maybe it was the 57 selections by the choir or the 56 prayers inbetween the selections by the choir. I don't know but either way it goes I had to spend all my time asking for forgivness for the millions of thoughts I was having. Did I mention that I still havent quite figured out what the sermon was about? I think I'm going to hell
I havent been to a baptist church in years. Today while visiting with my daddy and his girl I went to church with them. Now I grew up in a Baptist Church from the time I was old enough to speak to the age of about 10. When I sat down it brought back soo many memories. I almost wanted to sit in the back and sneak out to goto the store or the candy lady for old times. Now this is what got me though. Was it the Choir director who had the Platinum blonde mohawk who just so happen to be going bald? Was it the keyboardist who remade both Silver and Gold and We Worship u and the choir had to play catchup cause they didnt know what was going on? That kinda reminded me of Ray Chu and the Crew from Showtime at the Apollo messing up everyones music. Or was it all the excersize I got for standing and sitting? Maybe it was the asthma attack it seemed the Pastor kept having while he was talking or maybe it was because I had to keep addressing my neighbors who happen to be the only two white people in the church ( they were with me of my dads girl and her son but that doesnt matter) or maybe it was the 57 selections by the choir or the 56 prayers inbetween the selections by the choir. I don't know but either way it goes I had to spend all my time asking for forgivness for the millions of thoughts I was having. Did I mention that I still havent quite figured out what the sermon was about? I think I'm going to hell
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Gone But Not Forgotten
As we celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ and what that means, I would like to take time to remember those who are not here to celebrate with us. In Loving memory of my grandma Carrie (12/24/02), My Granddad Blue (1998), Ann (1999), Raymond (1999) My grandma Mildred (1999),My aunt Beenie (1992), My lil boo Yhani (2006), Ms. Vanessa (2005),Big Cuz Will (2008), Uncle Kenny (2008),Granny (12/21/2008). We love you and we miss you. If you are reading this take time out to remember those you love and cherish those who are still here.
Labels: Christmas
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Chrimmmas time
Getting in the Christmas spirit here is anutha set of my faves. TLC, Run DMC and Curtis Blow
Labels: Christmas
Friday, December 19, 2008
It's Friiddaaay!
Well The weekend is here. This week we are serving up a lil Salt N Pepa Push it, LL Cool J, Craig Mack with the FLavor in ya ear (remix), Busta Rhymes Put ya hands where my eyes can see and Black sheep the choice is yours. Enjoyyy
Labels: Look Out Weekend
What you want fuh Chrimmas?
As we get closer to Christmas I'm posting my favorite songe/videos. Heres a lil Chrimma in the hood fuh ya.
Labels: Christmas
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Ice cream man
Is it me? Moms lives in a pretty nice neighborhood. Its ethincally mixed black, white and spanish. All hard working middle class if it is such a thing folk. Well lately the icecream man has been coming thru. Whats the problem u ask? Its during the hours when the kids are in school or around say 9-10 o'clock in the pm. So I begin to wonder what the business is? My mind can somewhat be a dangerous place at times but it took me back to my high school days and this is what I came up with......u be the judge.
Labels: Random thoughts and feelings
What the Hell?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
lost and alone
I go thru these moments where I am on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Some days I am sooo sensitive its ridiculous. Most would describe me as unemotioanl or nonchalant but thats far from the case. I learned at an early age no one really gives a damn so y give them the pleasure. I had a moment with my parents this a.m. that I really dont want to discuss but what actually brought on this current state is I was tryna explain what happened to a friend. Now don't get me wrong everyone has their moments. The difference with me is I try not to let that effect me. Meaning I always listen with a open mind. If I have something to say I say it but not in a way that makes it seem like I could totally care less or you just need to get over it. Well the person I was talking to today made me feel like that. I was feeling like damn I'm always here for you no matter how many times I have to here the same thing.Maybe I took it the wrong way idk. But I just feel like damn I always put myself out there for everyone else y cant someone do the same for me? This is where I could really use someone of the male sex in my life. Sometime you just need comforting arms or a warm bed. I feel so lost and alone right now.
This song totally describes me as of late
This song totally describes me as of late
Labels: Random thoughts and feelings
Monday, December 15, 2008
To be or not to be...... Celibate that is
As I previously stated before I've been celibate for 21 months. Wow. It hurts just thinking about it. About every 3 months is when I really begin to think about it. Like right about now. Some days I think Im going crazy others not so bad. I'm asking myself if my current state of evilness is due to this fact. I mean I know why I am doing it but its getting harder and harder. I refuse to say that I am a nympho but I am next in line :). U know I think I better get married soon or I'm gonna fall off the wagon, boat and train. I've had a few suggestions as to what I should do by some well meaning friends but I must say IT AINT NUTHIN LIKE THE REAL THING!! What the hell was I thinking? My BFF Jill made a good point. Its a fleeting feeling that if I go and get it down I'll end up mad in the end. So whats a gurl to do? I watched a movie on the I hate man network (lifetime)last night and the movie was about a woman marrying herself. She meant well but fell in love in the process. What she wanted was to commit to loving herself and not to be true and honest with herself. Everyone wanted her to be married and she felt like that would be settling if she wasnt in love. The wedding was symbolic. Sidebar: my thoughts are random so If I've lost ya I'm sorry. Back to the story: I totally understand what she was trying to do and I feel her to a point. Question is how are you supposed to make it in a world where sex is everything and everywhere?
Labels: Random thoughts and feelings
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I'm out this Bish!!!!!
Im counting down! My time here is finally up! After trying to find an escape I've finally got it. Picture it.... Morgan State University 2005... Its 2 weeks before graduation and ya girl finds out I'm not graduating. Now I've been battling alot these past few years especially from 2004 to the present. Most of which was my own doing. Back in '05 I was in what I like to call Luh it wasnt love it was luh. I spent sooooo much time loving someone else that I lost myself and stopped loving me in the process. I found out this nicca was engaged to someone else.( this is another entry by itself when I am up to dragging up those bad memories). This is totally not what you need to hear in your last semester of school. I spent all my energy and time focused on the dimise of my relationship and trying to function that I lost sight of what was important. (this is what I like to call the stupid woman syndrome. We've all been there. If not you then someone you know. If you havent stop reading and thank God right about.........NOW!) In the midst of it all I decided that instead of finishing my classes in the summer i would leave all together. Well we see how that worked out. Needless to say I couldn't see it then but its all so clear now. I'm glad I didnt marry that fool. He married ol gurl they gotta kid and basically theyre broke and homeless. God really do look out. But back to my escape. So I have been trying here and there to take classes and finish school to no end. After being on the plantation in Texas ( thats anutha story) I was thinkin about heading back to good ol Morgan and making it do what it do. The point hit home when my BFF Jill brought it to my attention after months of my agonizing over it in silence. So I decide what the hey. I reapply. Well things hadnt been really been looking up in my favor. Just when I thought I would reach my breaking point and quirk and end up in jail.... Viola! God/Jesus heard my cry. I'm out this joint and back in school to redo my last semester come Jan. Praise God! Hallelujah. I can see clearly now the rain is gone!
Labels: Rants and Raves
Friday, December 12, 2008
IDK
So it's been a minute since I last wrote. A few things been going on but mostly I'm just tryna stay sane. Don't really know where to begin. In my last post my BFF Jill was contemplating what to do about her situation. She decided to make a go of it. Well actually he wouldnt accept no for an answer. Which I think is good she needs it. As for me hmmmmmm well psycho sam was kicked out of school... again and tried to burn down the house him and pilsbury doughboy collaborated on that one. I'm thinking about hittin the underground railroad and escaping to Canada. I thought about plannin the route on a etch a sketch but I dont think I'll get far :) Of course ol gurl did nothin. I'm tired so tired. I'm trying not to get angry or upset but this is ridiculous. I wanna scream What u gon do? we gon die in this b@#$%^ Have I become mean and bitter?
Maybe that was a lil dramatic but hey it beees like that sometime
We all know lil jon will have u fighting and goin to jail so maybe its not too wise for me to listen to him right now :).
Labels: Rants and Raves
Its Frriiiiday Yall!!
This week I'm serving up some Dis N dat, Chubb Rock and SLick Rick and for all my folk from the Durtty Durtty I got a lil JPE. If you dont know what that is its The one and only Jam Pony Express! Takin u back to the days of Cross Colors and Karl Kani jeans!
Labels: Look Out Weekend
Friday, December 5, 2008
ITS Throwback FRIIIIIIDAY!!!! 12.5
Its FRIIIDAY!!!!
Here's a lil something for all you real music fans who can appreciate music. Happy Friday!! I'm a 80's baby so beware!
Look Out Weekend!
Just got paid!
And again!
Here's a lil something for all you real music fans who can appreciate music. Happy Friday!! I'm a 80's baby so beware!
Look Out Weekend!
Just got paid!
And again!
Labels: Look Out Weekend
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Your mind can be your worst enemy
Yesterday my BFF Jill :) and I were texting about relationships. While we both are single shes a single mom. That makes dating harder for her because she does not allow anyone around her child. Understandable. Shes recently met someone who seems so far to be a really stand up guy but shes afraid to pursue anything. Jill being my twin soul, I get her and understand her when no one else does and vice versa. Side bar: I haven't been in a relationship in a minute due to my choosing. I've also been celibate for the last 20 months 3 weeks and 4 days. Yeah... I counted. It's hard out here for a pimp. :) I had to take the time to get to know me really and love myself flaws and all. You can't expect someone to love you or know how to love u if your definition of love is jacked and you don't love yourself. All of this came on the heal of a rape, a pregnancy, severe depression and all the other madness that goes along with that. More on that later. Back 2 the story: I'm trying to convince her to give it a chance if only to gain a friend if nothing else. She's afraid that this one will turn out like the rest. Afraid to take the chance. I've been there and I understand completely. What do u do when your relationships have the same script but a different cast? The both of us have been let down a many a times by the men in our life. Starting with the first and ending with the last. If the man that helped to create you and bring you into the world hurts you and abandons you, y wouldn't anyone else? I spent my time trying to tell her that as women we must first love ourselves. Then we must realize that we are worthy to be loved. It is only after this that we can begin to heal and move forward. I don't know if that tidbit was more for her or for me. I am a firm believer that our thoughts becomes our words and our words becomes our world. Afterall, the BIBLE says that life and death is in the power of our tongue. In the end she says shes come to terms with the fact that she'll be single for awhile maybe the rest of her life. Now ya gurl...I'm not settling for that. I WILL get married one day. I know my Adam is out there somewhere. Where the hell is he? I don't know but he's out there. I refuse to settle for just anybody. I'll be single for a long time than settle for abuse, manipulation, disrespect and all that other jazz. But I also know that I have far to travel to get myself functional before I enter into another relationship. So the question becomes not only how do you move from the past hurts and pains to move into your future, but also how do u embrace whats in front of you without making a man pay for another mans sins? How do you become functional in a dysfunctioanl world? Sometimes you are your worst enemy.
Labels: Relationships
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My Cousin Kids
My mom is a foster parent to my cousins kids. For the purpose of this blog I'll call them the Michelin man, Stretch Armstrong, Psycho Sam and the Pilsbury Doughboy. They are 16, 15, 12 and 8. The problem is they are disrespectful, ungrateful and just plain bad as hell. My mom begged me to move home for a few months to help her out. Hmmm. No problem. Or so I thought. Psycho Sam is the favorite in the house. Or at least hers anyway. He's been on meds since he was 3 and at that time the Dr. said under no circumstances do u allow him to be around anything that can be used as a weapon. Let's just say that he's worse now than he was then. Because he has a problem she baby's him he can do no wrong. Whatever he says goes, She will turn on Jesus himself for him. Yesterday he gets suspended from school the second school in 3 months and the 4th suspension of the year. Mind you school started in August. So one would think that he would have some sort of punishment for his actions. Which to her cleaning the house from top to bottom is enough. Now maybe that would be if she wasnt helping him with everything. Since she works nights I'm home with them. Everything I say he calls her and she overturns. Why the hell am I here? If I'm supposed to help you but you undo what i say whats the point? So I'm at the point where they can burn this bitch down and I could care less. I do sleep with one eye open in case he tries to shank me in my sleep though. HELP ME PUHLEASE!! Are considered a runanway if you're 28 years old?
Bernie MAc (RIP) Felt my pain!!
Bernie MAc (RIP) Felt my pain!!
Labels: Rants and Raves
My 1st Post/ About Me
Hello World,
I've been going back and forth about this for months. I've finally decided to pop my cherry. The purpose of this is purely to keep me from losing my mind and rolling a few heads. I'm using this as a way for me to vent and express myself. I am 28 years old single no kids. I'm finally in a place in my life where I can honestly say I know who I am and what I want. I'm learning more and more about me and learning to love me for me. If you read this and gain any insight and knowledge into your world good. If not..... at least you know someone else is as dysfunctional or more dysfunctional than you are.
I've been going back and forth about this for months. I've finally decided to pop my cherry. The purpose of this is purely to keep me from losing my mind and rolling a few heads. I'm using this as a way for me to vent and express myself. I am 28 years old single no kids. I'm finally in a place in my life where I can honestly say I know who I am and what I want. I'm learning more and more about me and learning to love me for me. If you read this and gain any insight and knowledge into your world good. If not..... at least you know someone else is as dysfunctional or more dysfunctional than you are.
