Dysfunctionally_Functioning

alone in a crowded room

2012-02-09T00:27:00.003-05:00

Ive been told that when all Hell breaks loose it means something good is coming your way. If that is true and is the be believed then I must have something MAJOR heading my way. I'm trying to hold back tears as I type this. What do you do when you're tired of crying but that's your only relief? You have no one to talk to because no one understands. The people that do understand you haven't had the pleasure of meeting. These past 2 weeks alone have been so draining that I felt it would take me out. It's like being alone in a crowded room. Even my posts look bi polar. One post I'm healing and doing fine the next I'm ready to ball up and cry. My fiance says I'm in a self imposed prison. Who do I run to? Just when I thought the storm lifted a tornado hit. I want more I try to do better. The harder I try to move forward and break free of these chains it seems like the more I'm bound. Days like today made me really want to throw in the towel. My dad said I need to sit down and figure out what I want and what I need to make it happen. Um....obviously you're not listening. That's how I ended up uprooting my life and trying to make things happen. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I think I just need to sleep. Maybe I'll wake and realize it was all just a dream.

breaking of dawn

2012-02-04T15:16:00.003-05:00

I'm a lot better since my last post. I'm healing both mentally and physically. It's always good to have genuine people by your side. Now that I'm back on top not 100 but a good 85 I can get back to being productive. These last few days I kinda checked out. But with people praying for you and making you laugh its a lot easier to deal. My fiance has been a help. I will admit in the beginning I wanted to jump on him with both hands and both feet. Then I realized that he was grieving as well. We had a nice talk that opened the door for other things. I have to thank God because it could be a lot worse.

all cried out

2012-02-02T00:17:00.003-05:00

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. It's easy to say thank no one understands but that'd not true. It always seems that way when ure in the darkest of night. When everything around you has fell apart. For about a week now I've known I was pregnant but I've also known that something was horribly wrong. After being in denial I end up in the ER to find out I was having a miscarriage. I've went through so many emotions that I don't know up from down. I just know that I'm hurt and all I want is to be held and told that everythings gonna be ok. Yet I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of crying but that's my only comfort at this point.

some things never change

2012-01-28T22:33:00.003-05:00

There are some things in life I just dont understand. I have never been one to really follow politics until 2006. It was at this time I enrolled in a poli sci class and begin to see things a little differently. Until this time I could only see politics as boring. I've voted in every election since I was able to vote but would only pay attention during the months leading up to the election. Of my immediate family I am the only one who votes in every election. As a matter of fact most of my family memebers though they are eligible to vote only voted in the last primary because now President B.H. Obama was running. I'm not knocking that because that was the case with a lot of voters who turned out to the 2008 election. What I dont understand is people who do not vote. I know there are ones who do not do so due to religious reasons and there are others who would like to and have had their rights revoked. I'm speaking on the ones that simply do nor. I have stressed this issue soo many times to different family and friends yet it has fallen on deaf ears. The one response I hear a lot is my vote dont count. Really? In my mind I think of the people who marched for this. The people who died for this very reason. There are times depending on who the person is that I let it go. You cant reason with ignorance. What about the ones who are college educated? The ones who are in their careers have been for years or in the military or currently in college? These are the ones that I have the hardest time understanding. It would seem to me that they would be more understanding of the plight of the country and the need to let their voices be heard. I know people who will not pick up a book to read but will vote in every election. I guess I wonder how can you be an advocate for change in so many other ways yet fail to see the importance of this one thing? I was fortunate to have people around me at different stages of my life that stressed certain things to me and instilled things of importance in me. Not to mention that fact that I've always been the one to stand up when everyone else sat down. I guess I wonder in a time when we have made so much progress how can we still have so far to go?

Back to Life

2012-01-27T20:44:00.003-05:00

I really have to get better at updating. So much has happened in the last 9 months its crazy. I am finally out of the middle of nowhere and back to life!!! Back to life back to reality. As crazy as life has been me and my inner circle have all been having our needs met and our dreams have been coming true. I have to say thank God for Jesus. He really is my saving grace. I made a decision that I felt was the best for me which was to finish my bachelors degree and I would have to move with or without the man. Of course he was not having that and we made plans to move together. Hes also been out of work since may so moving would be in the best for all involved. My bestest was married in Jamaica in Aug and it was beautiful. She was beautiful and so was the island. I had my passport for almost a year before using it and I am so glad I did. I will say to any and everyone that if you dont have a passport get one. Thats the first step. After that you will be more inclined to use it and set aside time and money. On Dec 30th the man proposed and tho it wasnt my dream proposal I am happy he did. I had it made up in my mind that if he didnt ask before I left there would be no us. Of course he will argue me down about this. he says women always mess things up by putting deadlines on things. In Jan my bestest found out she was pregnant and so did my best friend. As we are set to move we get a call saying that we need to get his daughter. Totally but all our plans in limbo. Not a bad thing just wish it would have happened differently. Shes not a bad kid but she is very sneaky. She has her dad wrapped around her fingers. im just thankful that I dont have to deal with her mama now that shes with us. That was almost the breaking point for me. I can deal with a lot of things but a ignorant baby mama isnt one of them. So with all that being said we packed up and moved 4 states away and I am in my last semester of school. Praise God!!!! Downside is Its a 4.5 hr drive one way. If we didnt have our daughter we would be able to do things a little different but Im willing to make the sacrifice. I think Im gonna stay near the school 3 nights a week and come home the other 4. While it will be expensive its still less expensive than me driving back and forth everyday. I know a lot of my friends and family dont understand and they think I can do better, all i can say is that in life we all make choices. THe key is to learn from them all. My life was altered 7 yrs ago in the same 2 cities that I find myself commuting from now. I feel as though this is going to bring me full circle and now my life can start a new. New year.new me.newbeginning

city girl living in the country

2011-04-20T19:48:00.004-04:00

I am a city girl. I was born and raised in what I consider the country but i realize there are a lot more places thats smaller than where I am from. Case in point small backwoods GA where I am now. I HATE and I do mean HATE living in the country. For the last 11 years I have lived in major cities. Cities such as Baltimore, Tampa, Atlanta, Dallas etc.. Of them all Atlanta captured my heart. Since I was a lil kid all I ever wanted to do was live in ATL. Do to unforseen circumstances after 3 years of having my dream come true I was forced to leave =(. Now I am trapped in HELL!!! ok thats an exaggeration. I choose to live in small nowhere military town GA because the person I chose to spend my life with lives here. There are advantages of being here of course. Im currently sitting on the porch listening as the kids run up and down the street playing. Crime is very low and most people are very friendly. These are things I miss about being at home besides being around family when I feel like it. Draw backs...everything is closed by 9, every club is a hole in the wall and everyone knows your business. The mosquitos are horrible and so big they can carry you on their backs if they tried. By no means am I the run the street type but i do like having the option. As of right now The closet WalMart is 30 mins away. There are no malls or boutiques or real restaurants. To drive 30 mins to civilization is a monster. I am also not a people person. Most of the folks around here wanna sit around and gossip and be in ur business...NEGATIVE. Definitely not my scene. I definitely have some adjusting to do. Im not far from ATL so whenever Im up for the drive I can always head out to see friends and family. Me being me I always say I am close to everything because I dont mind driving but at some point you dont want to have to drive just to see or experience something different. *sigh* The things we do for love I tell ya. I'm at the studio with my guy and would rather be curled up with a book or watching a movie. Instead Im out here about to be carried off into the wild blue yonder trying to be supportive. Dont wanna be rude and shut him down and Im definitely not the type to embarrass a man in public. I will say this shit is for the birds. Seeing as though I havent lived here more than a week I have plenty of adjusting to do.

Cohabitation

2011-04-18T16:17:00.004-04:00

So where to begin? Once again my insecurities are getting the best of me. I have been managing to combat my craziness which is definitely a good thing. The problem I face now is cohabitation. Ive never wanted to cohabitate and honestly its never been an option. I've always put my foot down and stood my ground. But as I begin to grow and mature I know that this is a serious issue because I don't feel that this is the right way of doing things. I'm in situation now where my guy is pushing for this. In a way I feel as though I am compromising myself but not quite sure how to put this into words. I decided to move in but still have an uneasy feeling. Ive asked advice from those closest to me and most seems to think it is a good look. I don't exactly know how to explain my reservations during a time when cohabiting is so common place. I consider myself a contemporary traditionalist meaning while I am com temporary in a lot of ways I am a traditionalist at heart. I'm really feeling like this is the man for me though we face many obstacles. We are growing together but there are some things that scares me. As I am typing this I am more and more confused. I don't know what to do or which way to turn.

Emotional

2011-02-27T18:25:00.001-05:00

I know for a fact that I am an emotional person. I try daily to keep my emotions in check and not make any decisions based out of emotions. What do you do when you're emotions get the best of you or you feel threatened? That's a problem I face in my new relationship. Its a challenge. I am very passionate. That passion can be used to fuel my love or my craziness. When I love I love hard. Once I've let someone in you're in. If I'm with you I'm with you. There is no halfway there is no in between or gray area. Its black or white all or nothing. I realize that due to past situations and relationships that I have been apart of makes me react in certain ways which is always not the best. So how do u combat that? How do u keep ur emotions from ruining something good. I have everything I want within this relationship. This is one like I've never had the pleasure of seeing in my lifetime. I've never seen it with a friend I've never seen it with a family member. In my family every household has been ran by women. Men always take the back seat. Now I find myself in a situation where this house is ran by the man. We talk things through but ultimately the final decision belongs to him. The motto here is I was a man when u came I'll be a man if you leave. So in other words get right or get left. I can be violent at times though I try to curb it. This could slowly be the undoing of my relationship. Idk how to function in this. I thank God that he's willing to talk things through and ride this emotional roller coaster but for how long? I don't believe I do things on purpose but I react out of what I know. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

Emotional

2011-02-27T18:25:00.000-05:00

aghhh!

2011-02-27T08:57:00.003-05:00

i cant beieve i spent all this time typing to lose everything after i saved everything multiple times or so i thought uggh! Man it has really been a long long time since i last updated or logged in. it feels real arkward. Life today is good for me though. I have a new man in my life someone who I really feel is a God send. We have our share of ups and downs like any couple but the fact that we are willing to tslk things out and work through things is a big plus. Especially with the last few relationships i've had. I have a lot of issues that this relationship is bringing them out. But he is really hanging in there. Sometimes I think i may have some self sabotage secretly going on. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to have a good man after having a bad one. Its almost surreal. I've known him literally half of my life. I can say that I never saw this one coming. Even when we were gits I thought he was cute but never someone I would try. Im actually glad I didnt because I wouldnt have him now. This is the happiest Ive been in a very long time and I pray it continues.

Gettin it in

2010-03-15T04:29:00.005-04:00

Its been a few fam whats good? I cant believe its 4:30 in the a.m and Im up with a bowl of frosted flakes blogging. Ive been saying Ill update tomorrow and hadnt gotten around to it. So I guess today is that tomorrow. Ive been declaring and decreeing that this is the best year ever and so far it has been. I mean I have had a few setbacks. My granddad passed away last month but I dealing with it. Im happy that he is not in pain anymore and I pray he is in a better place. My apt is starting to feel and look like home an school is good. Physics almost took me out but Thank God/Jesus I passed and its over. Still single but Im happy. Is there a such thing as happily single? I would love to be in a relationship but right now I have to be happy in spite of. I have spent too much time being unhappy. My whole life has been filled with misery, pain and unhappiness so I have decided that this is it. Its a wrap. Im gettin it in any way possible. Its not easy but sometime you have to pull yourself up and encourage yourself. Im going hard after God right now and HE has truly been my resting place. I guess this is what is meant by a mountaintop experience. I dont have a lot but what I have I am thankful for nd content. I've been getting blessing after blessing. In January I completed a 21 day fast no bread, meat or sweets. It was challenging but I drew soo close to God and saw Him in ways I never thought possible. It was an awesome experince. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and we get in the way of our own happiness. Im learning that no matter what you have to make a conscious decision that no matter what comes my way I shall survive. You have to get it in however you can. No matter whats going on you have to find something to smile about. Theres something to thank God for even if its only Thank you Jesus I didnt punch so and so in the face and catch that charge :). Find something. I kno Im throwing a lot out there an jumping frm place to place but this is what happens at 0450. I still dont kno why I am awake. I really should be finishing all this homework I have and preparing for my exam on tuesday. Im about to call it a night/morning. Ive put food in my tummy watched Pastor Jamal and got some word for my soul maybe now I can rest. Thank God I dont have class or work today. Be blessed fam

........

2009-12-24T20:14:00.001-05:00

is feeling like Im screaming and no one hears me...feels like Im yelling and dying and everyone is walking past and over me :(

Should I be upset?

2009-11-11T22:17:00.002-05:00

when I moved frm ATL I left my computer with a friend. She gets evicted frm her apt and leaves my stuff there. Should I be upset? The weay I found put was she was upset that her computer was in the shop and and they kept it longer than they said. So I said just use mine. She pauses and says girl u kno my mom called me and told me she had the holiday pancakes at IHOP? WTH? IHOP? WTF?1 should I be upset? In other news I started moving into my apt today and I am so excited!!! I cant wait! I wont have my furniture until friday but thats good. Im putting my stuff in slowly...

conclusion

2009-10-27T00:13:00.002-04:00

Ive come to the conclusion adults cannot live together. If ure married thats one thing but outside of that you will end up choking each other or at least thinking about it everyday. This is especially tru in the case or parent/child. whether they live with u or u with them it is not a good look. All i kno is I am 5 miles frm crazy and five miles frm hell and jail in any direction u point. Moms is driving me batty. I love her to no end however, this is not what they do. I do not see how ppl live with their parents like its nothing. I dont care if its in the basement you have a floor to yourself hell you can have a wing to yourself but at some point in time you have to realize it was not a good look. All I know is I have 3 days and a wake up and Im out this bish! we do better apart/

2009-10-25T13:17:00.003-04:00

Tyler Perrys interview on 60 minutes. He is responding to comments made by Spike Lee about his work taking us back instead of prgressing us.Personally I am a fan of TP and I can see the msgs in all of his work. What do u think?

am I wrong?

2009-10-25T10:56:00.002-04:00

I'mma make this quick since I decided to forgo church and watch on line. Am I wrong for sayig I dont like kids? Not all kids just this one in particular today. My 13 yr old brother...I call him psycho sam. I really dont like him. I mean I love him dont get me wrong but as a person... not at all. He is vindictive manipulative man the list goes on and on.He hates to be disciplined in any way and will call the police an lie if thats what it takes to get his way. I think its sad that hes only 13 and is this dirty. I mean the type of dude that will hock up spit and spit in your face. Which is something I absolutely cannot donot and will not tolerate. I wont get into details about what he did this morning but I just really need to kno if I am the only person that feels like this. I pray about it and will continue to do so. I actually feel kinda bad about the way I feel cause he will make u forget he is actually a child.

when?

2009-10-25T08:11:00.004-04:00

When is it that ppl actually mature? Case and point: my nephew is 25 years oldbut has not gotten to the place where he accepts responsibiity for his actions or life. Recently he has accused me off always being on him snd not cutting him a break. My thing is this you are a man we are ot children an you are now a father yourself when will you grow up. Noth8ing is ever his fault always always someone elses. at first I thought maybe this is because of the lack of male role models we had in our lives cause they were/are eith crackheads or alcoholics but then I kno plenty of en in the same boat who turned out different. What started this is right now we as a family is down to 1 car. moms car is in the shop sisters is in the shop and nephew got hooked by the repo man. So since everyone wants to go out on the weekend we are all trying to mske things work. My mom sister and myself all work or have school in anutha couty so this is extra hard on us. Well nephew doesnt seem to think she should put gas back in the vehicle or at least put the gas that was in there back. He thinks the more gas you have the more he can rie. Also hes had to move back home which I cant knock because I had to do the same just under different circumstances. He fels as though he should be able to lay up with his women even after being told repeatedly not to. So my sister tells him he has to be gone by theend of the year and he thinks shes wrong. Hesbeen home for 15 months. Dont relly hve to pay bills bills just hlp out around the house and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Granted hes been workiing here and there cause times are hard. However, when he had a reallygood job especially for round thes parts he lost it...y??? Cause he wanted to smoke weed. But guess what that wasnt his fault. So he stops smoking weed for 6 months get the gig he has now but gess what? Youre on them pills. Oh wait we ar not spose to kno that. Get paid on Thurs broke by Saturday. Debo-ing his brohers and cousins for their money but dont see nothing wrong with that. Its my falt hes not in ATL anymore whe I left the apt to him and our cousin who decided not to pay rent. Itsbabymoms fault hes on chsup when all she had to do was let him send the money to her insteadof getting yt fol in his business, its the credit unions fault he doesnt hae his car they kno how times is hard they coulda worked with him even though they havent been paid in 3 months. Its his rommates fault that they were kicked out of their apt which caused hm to move to Atl in the first place. Do you see where Im going with this? I partially blame our parents and grandparents for making life easier for us than it should have been but thats only about 15%. Im s over dude I mean really. Youre 25 with a decent job no real bills besides whatever moms ask and chsup yet when someone say something oh we cut eeryone else some slack but him. Are u FN serious? I dont kno if its the drugs if his oxygen was cut off in utero if I drugged him on the ground when we were small I am so confused asto how a grown man can think this way. Its definetely a case of the lil boy in a mans body. How long must this go on?I woud have thought losing everything is rock bottom but I guess not. When will we sto doing things for ppl they can and should be doing themselves? When will ppl gro the EFF up?

A Dream

2009-09-30T21:29:00.003-04:00

What do u do when u know u are being made a fool of but dont care? Theres a guy in my life that has me so gone its borderline insane. I think he might actually be torturing me and getting a kick out of it. We've all heard of the stupid woman syndrome which I hate yet I find myself here. Literally most days Im on auto. He consumes my every waking thought. As a matter of fact when I do sleep dreams of him wake me. Im losing my mind slowly everyday. He plays these BS games that has my patience thin but its not enough Im still hanging in there and I dont know why. I try to force myself to purge him and everything that reminds me of him but it only makes me want him more. AAAGGGHHHHH!!!! I dont kno what to do......

Mary J. Blige - A Dream Lyrics

Send “A Dream” Ringtone to Your Cell

A dream, a simple fantasy
That I wish was reality
That you came knocking at my door
And we relived this dream once more

Last night I dreamed that you were here with me
And we were in each other's arms
It was oh so heavenly
You held me close to you and whispered in my ear
Let's spend the night together
Sharing love beyond compare
Oh, as we danced to the melody
We had so much to share
And the music stopped
In a flash I was all alone
It was just a dream
Haunting me once again

A dream, a simple fantasy
That I wish was reality
That you came knocking at my door
And we relived this dream once more

The day you left
You said you would return
Just when you go and promise
That you need some time alone
You said you loved me and some day our love would be
I couldn't understand it
I thought we were both happy
As we danced to the melody
We had so much to share
And the music stopped
In a flash I was all alone
It was just a dream
Haunting me once again

Oh, a dream, a simple fantasy
That I wish was reality
That you came knocking at my door
And we relived this dream once more

Sweet Dreams are made of this

2009-09-30T00:04:00.006-04:00

Its been a minute. I almost feel like a ho in church...so uncomfortable LOL. Funny thing is Ive been saying Im updating my blog and never get around to it. I should actually be studying rt now but Im taking a short break. Nothing much new around this way. I've finally started school which so far is going pretty good. Im still at moms :(. Everytime I try to make moves something happens so I figure God is telling me to stay still for a lil longer. Outside of that I am still losing my mind slowly day by day :). I havent seen a blog of any kind in months I almost feel as though I've been imprisoned with no contact to the outside world. If it wasnt for my cell allowing me to access facebook and google I would really be lost. I think I've been on Auto-pilot for the last week. If Im honest I'll say its mostly due to a man. Its almost like the song Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. Sweet Dreams are made of this who am I to disagree I travelled the world and seven seas everybodys looking for something. I can see it but when I reach out for it....its farther away than I thought. Who knows maybe the r&r I plan to get this weekend will clear my head and get me back right.

Carrying these old bags

2009-07-12T14:00:00.002-04:00

Today I heard a msg in church that got me thinking. How often is it that we carry our past into our future? The pastor used an illustration today of packing your bags going to the airport. You pack your bags ,check them and get on the plane to go to your destination. Once you get to your destination you retrieve your luggage. so here you are in a new place picking you your old bags to carry with you. How many times must you carry around old baggage before you realize that that's whats been holding you back? You can move and meet the same person over and over and don't know why or experience the same situation over and over and wonder why. I know this has happened to me more than i care to admit. So I got to thinking there are many times when i thought I had let go of something only to realize that i did not.

R.I.P. MJ photos August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

2009-06-26T00:00:00.005-04:00

I jacked these from another site. Mike you will truly be missed and mourned by millions. I pray that you are at peace and made your peace with God and are resting in his arms. It is not my place to judge you are any of ur actions. I am a fan of your music and always will be. ------------Shalom

RIP MJ

2009-06-25T23:40:00.002-04:00

A lot can be said but I'll leave it at this: No matter how you felt about the man he was very talented. Not only that he was someones son, father, brother, uncle etc.. so if for no other reason than that respect should be paid.

Happy Fathers Day

2009-06-21T14:54:00.002-04:00

To all the Fathers out there thats doing what they should and taking care of their responsibilities and maybe someone elses I applaud and salute u. And I cant forget my single moms thats doing the job of both parents u are loved and appreciated.

Fathers Day Comments

Knocking on 29s door

2009-05-20T13:36:00.003-04:00

Next thursday I'll be 29...... I cant believe I'm so close to being 30. A male friend of mine once said that the 30s was the best place to be. You are no longer making the foolish mistakes of your 20s and you have figured out who you are and what you like. Im actually looking forward to it even if I cant believe it :). I look around and I realize Im not the only one who is not where they want to be in some area of their life. I decided to forgo Baltimore and finishing my Bachelors for now and stay local and go to school here at Sanford Brown. I figure if its the Lords will I can always go back and take the last funky 3 classes. Its sounds a lil crazy but for some reason something comes up to stop me from leaving. So I'll take this one. :) I'm actually excited to be starting back. Feels like I am finally moving forward making progress. After all that is what life is about right? My thing though that I am wondering about is: Are the men better at 30? Meaning please tell me they have sense. I've dealt with 30 year olds before but I was a lil youngun still in my early to mid 20s. I hope they are anyway. The closer I get the more I realize that I'll rather be by myself than have to put up with some of the things I see around me. I know everyone has problems and no one is perfect however, some of this is str8 foolishness! My friend says I'm living in a fairytale I say just because you have never see something doesnt mean its not true. Who knows maybe I am being a bit naive. All I know is sometimes things dont work out the way we planned but it ALWAYS works out for the best! All I can say is God is good ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME God is good! Let the church say....AMEN!!! HAHAHAHA

Complaint free a week and a day

2009-05-05T22:03:00.003-04:00

Things have really been looking up for me. I did slip up with the complaining though. Mostly that was due to my granddad being in the hospital and not complying. I've been taking care and looking after him since I got here in Oct without help. My aunt comes to town and takes over. I'm feeling better about the situation though. so that would make today day #8. Im proud of my progress in all areas. God has been working with me ,on me and answering my prayers.That in itself says a lot. I'm really learning to be thankful for what I have. It seems as though things are falling into place. Ive been feeling better than I have in a long long time. Dont know really what to attribute that too. I have adopted the philosophy of not worrying about everyone else. Thats hard for me because once youre in my life I cant sit by and listen to you and not try to solve your problems or be there at all costs. Thats just the chick I am. Good or bad I dont know. What I do know is I am truly blessed even with all thats going on in the world.

Complaint free Day 1

2009-04-30T01:03:00.005-04:00

I have been just plain lazy when it comes to updating this blog. I've looking after my grampa and he is quite the handful. Who knew old people could be more challenging than the young ones? :) Love life is shaky job... yeah...yeah. In the midst of all of that I failed completely with the no sweets no smoking. I started back but I did cut down about 75% of my intake of both. I am gonna start over and try again but maybe this time one at a time instead of at the same time. I dont know what the hell I was thinking! Im still trying though and not giving up on myself so I think thats a good thing. So I signed up for a 21 day challenge with a frien of mine from fb. The challenge is to go 21 days without complaing. ITs called a complaint free world. I'm really feeling this for the simple fact that I think thats all I have been doing since I moved back home. I am really looking forward to my grandfather getting better so I can leave but in the meantime I have to work with what I got. This is going to be so challenging though. Aside from moms and the kids now my cousin Bobby the fairy is here. I love shim dearly but you can only take shim in small doses. I am going to do my best to blog for the next 21 days as a way of documenting my progress. so until next time.....Be Easy

Y didnt I think of this? / WTF

2009-04-30T00:35:00.001-04:00

As I was browsing thru a few of my favorite blogs I came across this. Now the first I wanted to know Y I didnt think of this the other..........you be the judge

WTF?

progress

2009-04-02T23:17:00.005-04:00

So as we all know I am on a steady incline of self awareness and motivation and yada da. So Over that last lil while I have gained a lil weight. hmmmm now to me I look fine. I mean I have always been a toothpick so of course when you see me now youre like DZAM! I am 5'9 and somewhere between 170-175 lbs. Which for my height I am good. Im not flabby at all but it is well distributed...minus the pudge in my stomach.:) Well anyway I started feeling all down and low ( u know that happens when you have the wrong people speaking into your life). And I woke up like OMG I hate my body blah blah blah. Yeah that lasted all of a day. I woke up the next day like Im the worlds next top model. But I did decide to actually cut out a few things for a couple of months and see how I like it. Of course I am countinuously working on the positive thinking and removing negative folk and things from my life. but I decided to cut out sweets and junk food until my birthday. and also smoking ( yeah I started back). So Yesterday was my first day.... Let me tell u I woke up like a bonafide Fiend. My body was like u have a few choices here... orgasm, nicotine or sugar what its gone be? Ok Praise God I did none of the above. Now I wont lie I did drink almost a whole bottle of wine on Friday and I promise I am not doing that again. I think thats why I woke up saturday depressed and hungover. Seeing as though I havent had a drink in well over 2 yrs...trust I remember why now. But anyway. I want to lose the pudge and tone up. I've never been more than 145 so I can feel this 170. So I made it anutha day..yaaaay so hopefully, prayerfully I'll make it and get my desired end. 28 may is a long time away. _____________SIDEBAR__________So in the midst of all this today my mom calls and tells me that one of my childhood friends and mother to 2 of my lil cousins passed away today. she was only 28 and a mother of 5. she was HIV positive and I'm sad but I know shes not in pain anymore ya know. This is the kind of thing that makes u realize just how short life on this side of eternity really is.It made me think about things like would you rather live life like there is a Heaven and die and find out there isnt or live like there isnt one and die and find out there is and spend eternity looking up at it instead of enjoying it? Im not saying that she didnt make her peace cause you never know those things. Everyone that thinks they are going to heaven isnt. Anyway just made me think. _____________Back to our regular scheduled program_________ So after moms woke me up with that bit of news my first thought..... smoke and eat. I did the latter but not the former. I am proud that I have a lil more will power than I thought :)

Until next time be blessed.

Oh yeah... please keep my people in your prayers.

Small Towns Small Minds

2009-03-08T22:44:00.002-04:00

This is going to be short sweet and to the point. On the 7th I celebrated 24 months of celibacy. Im all happy and all that jazz then I get hit in the stomach. Tomorrow makes 8 weeks since I did my big chop. SO I'm visting my cousin and its the 1st time shes seen me in 2 mo. So she says I like it I dont know what ur parents were tripping about. I think they think your gay. What? Really? she says yeah have you told them otherwise? Im thinking my parent KNOWS Im not gay WTH? So her girlfriend says Youre not gay? I always thought you were? Uh no! Im leaving that to yall. So then cuzzo says have you tried it? You should try it you might like it... Wait dont you might like it too much and have you all turned out 'round here. Um no! Im leaving that to yall no thank u. So Im telling this story to my sister and she says they dont think youre gay its just first impressions. When a person sees a lady and shes cut off her hair thats usually the road shes on. REALLY? Because in the cities I've lived in and hungout in thats not the case. But then I begin to think about it I am in mayberry with a buch of ignorant crabs. SO I said u know I cant get mad or hurt... Small town....Small minds

Live in the sky..........R.I.P. Marquis Cooper and Corey Smith

2009-03-06T16:34:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to post something concerning this situation but like I said I've been going thru somethings. Today the families of Marquis Cooper and Corey Smith called of the search for them. My heart goes out to these young men and their families. You are in my prayers. May God Keep you and bless you.

I can relate

2009-03-06T16:29:00.003-05:00

there has been a lot of talk about this young man but I must say that I personally have mad respect for him. If you are a true fan like I am you can listen to all his music and see his growth and maturity. This song holds true in many situations and I surely can relate

Revamped

2009-03-06T16:03:00.004-05:00

So its been about a week maybe longer since I last blogged. I can say a lot of bull but really its just been one of those weeks ya know? I think I had a semi breakdown. I really had to sit down and regroup and refocus. I was so thrown off it was ridiculous. My graddad was hospitalized and I panicked. Hes my last living grandparent and for as much trash as I talk I dont think I can stomach losing him right now. Selfish huh? All of my granparents were alive to see me grauate high school. I guess I was also thinking like my children will never get to know my grandparent and my parents are just plain crazy. the good news is that his cancer is still in remission so thats one less worry. My BFF jill has been in Egypt and I really dont talk to anyone else. I mean I have other friends but when ure use to talking to someone everyday... yeah its hard. Then when and if I talk to someone else I have to try to update them on all thats going on before I can get to whatever I'm talking about now....yeah its too much. So BFF got back in the states today so that works out too.

I dont know why I looked this up but I was feelin this joint so here it is T.I. feat Beenie Man with I'm serious and The Game:

Throwback Friday

2009-03-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

Today Im serving up Timberland inspired beats. We have Tweet, Truth, Missy and the late and great Aaliyah enjoy!

Freaky Friday

2009-02-27T00:23:00.006-05:00

As with every Friday I like to get something going for the weekend. This week Im slowing it down. I got a lil carried away .... The Whispers:In the mood, The Isley Bros: Choosey Lover and Voyage to Atlantis, Lorenzo:If its alright, LSG:Body, Keith Washington and Chante Moore:I love you, Luther Vandross:Superstar and Jodeci:Stay, Sade: No Ordinary Love and to close Quincy Jones Presents: Secret Garden. Enjoy

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Maybe

2009-02-27T00:18:00.002-05:00

1. Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

2. Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

3. Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

4. Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

5. Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

6. Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

7. Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

8. Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

9. Maybe . . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

10. Maybe . . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

11. Maybe . . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

12. Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

13. Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

14. Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

15. Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Maybe. . . you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all

To a Good Woman

2009-02-26T23:59:00.000-05:00

I received this in a email and thought I would share. Enjoy

To a Good Woman

A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears. A good woman has a dash of inspiration, a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future. A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.

Do men have the advantage?

2009-02-24T23:24:00.002-05:00

A few of my friend girls and I were talking about whatelse but men and relationships. So it was stated that men have the upper hand. Now I know that there are a lot of women out there who would disagree and even a few of the men folk however, I agree with the statement. I believe it was Chris Rock who said that everything a man does is for a woman.... if that is true how do we end up in the jacked up situations we find ourselves in? I am a firm believer that if we as women stopped putting up with foolishness some of us would be better off. I know women who would rather put up with cheating, beatdowns, baby momma drama, crackheads, the D-boy, being belittled and a lotta other trash not to be alone. The question is why? If we are willing to put up with so much what is this saying to the men folk? Is this giving them the upper hand in relationships? Just curious

UPDATE

2009-02-23T22:57:00.002-05:00

Basically its too musch goings on round chere for me to type. The renewal is going ok. I never realized how hard it would be. Things are coming up constatly to get in the way but I'm dealing with it. On the flip side I became a great aunt (at 28) for the first time. She is soooo beautful and I'm not just saying that cause she belongs to us :) . A child really does make u put things into perspective. Shes been a joy to have in her whole 10 days here in the world. Other than that folks still acting a moneky and I'm still planning my escape.

ITS Thursday! Early weekend jump

2009-02-11T23:54:00.005-05:00

as with every friday I post my look out weekend joints. I decided to get a jump on the weekend with a thursday edition. This week I'm serving up a taste of ATL with A couple grand by Young Joc this has to be one of my faves and this is what really got me listening to him. Yola da great with Aint gon let up. I dont think he received the promotion he should have and The best thang smokin himself... Young Dro with Rubberband banks which is one of my faves of all time. As a bonus I had to add Fabo of D4L Geeked up. Im serving the remix with Jeezy and the original. This was one of the hottest joints in the bluff/westside where I lived. One day no joke I was on Joseph Lowery playing this and I got out of my truck and errrbody I walked passed was on this joint. Enjoy

Dazed and confused.

2009-02-11T23:38:00.006-05:00

Whenever I move and especially If I know I am not staying long I have 3 rules that I live by. #1.DO NOT fraternize with the locals, #2. DO NOT drink the water and lastly #3. DO NOT get in a relationship. This includes being in my hometown. I've had more than a few bad experiences. Yeah I broke rule #3. I'm back home bored outta my mind. Its a young man I've been knowing just about my whole life. This actually started before I moved back get to that later. We hadnt seen each other in ummmm lets say 10 yrs. Myspace is the devil. Long story short we've been going back and forth and recently we got together. Know Im confused. I know what he was expecting to pop but of course it didnt. He says he wants a relationship but I need to be patient due to the things he has going on right now. Hes working like 3 jobs not to mention the kids and all this other stuff. Thats not the problem. The problem is when my mind starts to rationalize or try to anyway. Thats dangerous because I tend to fall back on old ways of thinking. I have witnessed how hard and how much he works so I know hes not lying. However, the problem is being patient. Im not good at that. I hate when I dont...when I am left wondering. I know this probably doesnt make any sense but I am really going crazy. I was always told to listen when a man speaks he means what he says. But as I got older I saw that was not always true. I dont know. My mind is running 100 miles a second. I know this doesnt make any sense because Im having a problem putting my thoughts around it. I just feel like...............SLFJHEIOJHRF;.IEKHFUDFJVAHNRIEJAWREWJOKDL thats the universal sign for distress incase u dont know. Im just IDK............ I give up

Food For Thought

2009-02-02T23:01:00.004-05:00

Once again I planned on writing about something else... A few days ago moms came home and said that she saw a friend that I grew up with at the ER where she works. She said that she barely recognized her. She was weak and has grown extremely small. She told the nurse that she has lupus and was coming in due to migraines. Well the truth is that she is HIV+. She was recently hospitalized and underwent dialysis due to kindney failure and was in a coma for awhile. The sad part is that besides being only 28 yrs old she is a mother of 5. Tonight moms went to sit with her and talk and she could see that she was visibly in pain. She was trying to call the nurse but was too weak to press the call bell. I guess Im writing this because I am wondering if in this day and age if we as a people are still ignorant to the fact or really on denial that HIV/AIDS is out there and that yes it can happen to us. As for myself I know when I was in a relationship I havent always used condoms. Therefore I cannot point any fingers or place any blame. I have to first look at myself and the stupid things I myself have done. Looking at this situation with it being this close to home it makes me wonder. I have to give ALL thanks and praises to the Most High for all the stupid things that I have done 'cause it could have easily been me.

And they wonder why

2009-02-01T13:35:00.004-05:00

I really planned on writing something else. While Im in the computer room checking emails and catchin up on thangs psycho sammy brings me my cell. Its big sis on the other end asking me when I got Superbowl tickets. Im confused. She says I just got a msg from you askin gif I wanted to go to the game with you. REALLY? So thing 1 and thing 2 is playing on the phone. I llok at the screen and the msg says the msg will send after the call. SO we hang up and I go thru the phone to see who else they sent mgs to. They got a few people. I'm heated so I step to em and of course no one knows what I'm talking about. I guess we have a house mouse that does ish when no ones looking. And they wonder why I................ ( you can fill in the blank)

Its the weekend

2009-01-30T13:46:00.006-05:00

So its been awhile since I served up something for the weekend. So today i have a lil someum someum from Outkast(1998), Mobb Deep and Bootsie Collins. Enjoy.

Never Knew A Love Like This

2009-01-29T22:51:00.008-05:00

I have never known a love like this. U love me. U really loves me. At the mention of your name I smile. the thought of you brings tears to my eyes. Yeah it's that powerful. That awesome. I mean its the butterflies in my stomach and smile until my cheeks hurt type of joy. I've had a few before when I thought it was love only to find out it was lust or infatuation. I've search high and low, travelled from state to state trying to fill that ever increasing hole, trying to fill that void that was getting larger and larger, but love I could never find. Then when I decided to give up and wait..there you were. U said to me I am all that you need. I will never hurt you, I will never leave you. I will never disrespect you, hit you, or make you feel less than the queen that you are. A perfect gentleman you are. Never forceful as others before you have been. Never violent or short tempered. Always gentle and kind. Whenever I call u welcome me with open arms. When I came to you, you said loving me will not be easy. I will take you to places you've never seen and give you things you only dream of if you let me. I can be all that you need but you have to trust me. You cannot bring your past into our future. You have to give yourself to me totally. You love me unconditionally meaning under no condition. You told me many will not understand our love. Many will desire it, but only a few will experience it. Some will say you've changed and others will simply fall off. But that's okay. They have served their purpose in your life if its meant to be they will come back. You will be talked about and even mistreated but I will ALWAYS be here no matter what. All you have to do is trust me. Give me your all. I never thought I would be able to love again. Too afraid of being hurt again. Tired of the games. Tired of the lies. But this one is different. Different in every way. I never thought it was possible but I dared to dream. My dream is now my reality. I am complete I am whole. Nothing missing nothing broken. All I can say is THANK YOU! And I pray that I can love you the way that you love me. I pray that I can do for you what you have done for me love you like you have loved and sacrificed for me. Its real. Don't believe me? Try for yourself. His name....Jesus. And like He did it for me he can do it for you.

Renewal

2009-01-27T14:28:00.009-05:00

Recently I mentioned the fact that I was going thru a renewal process. So I sat down and decided to make a list... 12 steps to be exact of what I think the renewal process should be. These steps are 1 for every month of the year. I did it like this to keep me on my toes. Each month you should start a new step but also continuing with the previous steps as well. So as time goes by I will add a new step until I have all 12.
Step 1: Renew your mind. Remove all negative thoughts, feelings and emotions. Remove all negative energy. This is a little hard to do but can be done. anytime something negative comes your way remove yourself. This is a good time for you to get closer to you higher power whomever that may be.
Step 2: Change your focus: What you focus on becomes thought. Thoughts turn into decisions. Decisions becomes actions. Actions becomes results. Results become your life. What that means is this: whatever you put your time into will become your life. If you are focusing on a man, keeping a man, getting a man, a career, money etc.. that will consume u. It will eat you alive. Results bringforth experiences and consequences. Experinces are immediate. Consequences not so much. Example.. you meet a guy at the club. He has the car the money the bling. You decide to go home with him. The experience he was the best you ever had. The consequence you found out your pregnant and HIV positive. Maybe thats extreme but you get my point. Its 2009 its time to get right or get left. Better yourself. Do better for your children. Stop looking for handouts as if the world owes u. Stop blaming others for your situation. If you are grown then you have choices. But know that there will be consequences. Good or bad you will have them.
Step 3: Change your inner circle: Sometimes those closest to us do us more harm. You cannot allow everyone to be in your front row. Some folk are just haters. If whenever a certain person comes around there is always choas theres a good chance they should be removed.
Step 4: Embrace yourself. Everyone has something they do not like about themselves. Be accepting of you. If you don't love, respect and appreciate yourself how can anyone else? Why would anyone else? This is the time dedicated to you. No one else. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Shut off the phone dont answer the door. Catch up on all the things you wanted to do but never got around to it.
Step 5: Detox. Stop smoking, exercise, lose weight, eat healthy, get off the phone, stay off the net, end toxic relationships. Whatever it is that has you hostage now is the time to let go. You dont have to give things up completely unless you want. But this is the time to have burdens removed and yokes destroyed. Get free from all bondage.
Step 5.5: Get an accountability partner. This is someone you trust. It CANNOT be a spouse. You have to remain open and honest at all times. Transparent. This person should know what you are trying to accomplish and should keep you on your toes. They should be available whenever you need them. Its good to meet or talk once a week to keep eachother updated. This person should also be called when you are feeling weak and thinking about going back to your old ways/habits/mindset etc..

If it helps keep a journal to see if you've changed at all during this year.
Remember in order to change your world you have to first change yourself.

This is just a lil something I'm doing. Not a New Years Resolution.I don't bleve in those. I'll keep you posted.

Beauty pt 2

2009-01-27T13:35:00.005-05:00

I asked the question what makes a person beautiful? well this is a follow up to that. A message to all parents, aunts, uncles if you will. I don't have children of my own yet but dammit I was a child once. So here it is. You are your child's first introduction to the world. It is your job to provide for them and make them feel safe, secure and beautiful among other things. I was around someone a few days ago that has 3 children. She called them all kinds of nappy head hoes, lil mf's, bitches..etc you get the point. Its 2 girls and a boy. It broke my heart. Now don't get me wrong my tourettes kicks in when I am upset and if you are the center of my wrath yeah you will be called a many of things all but a child of God. But I'm looking at these babies and they are answering to these names. Its almost like if you walked up to one of them and said "whats you name?" they would reply Lil Bitch. I said all of that to say this what you don't give them at home someone else in the street will. And it will not be the attention they needed, wanted or was looking for. Trust I know. A child should not have to look elsewhere for love or to learn what love is. Many of us has grown up functioning in dysfunction and past it along to our children. If you didn't like it why would you do it to them? Y would u think they would feel different? Its my opinion that a child feels love from the womb. (If you've been pregnant and hated someone and wondered y after the baby was born they hated the person thats your answer). A child knows things without you saying it. Before they become corrupted they are just like little angels. They have a connection to God that we as adults have lost due to that thing we call life. So love your child. Show them you love them not just materially but also by spending time with them. Talk to them and let them know they are important and what they think is important. Tell them how beautiful they are and dont make them feel ashamed because of their skin, hair,weight, eyes etc.. Let them know how much you treasure them even if they LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR DAYUMN DADDY!

Be Blessed

Beauty......

2009-01-26T19:13:00.007-05:00

What is beauty? Who determines what makes a person beautiful? Can it be measured? Yesterday I was going thru a few photo albums at both my mom and my sisters and came across some childhood photos of me. What I say me my eyes sweat. I saw the most beautiful little girl. Funny thing is I've never felt that way. The only time my parents or family has ever said that I was pretty was when I was permed up and had on pounds of makeup. So that was the example of beauty set before me. All my life all I ever heard was how beautiful my sister was and how she use to stop traffic. Me on the other hand I am railroad thin and the uncute one. So then I begin to think... My mom is dark skinned but I know she doesnt like it. All her life she was told how ugly she was so she made as she puts it kept her face made up and hair done. She tells this story of being a lil girl and walkingpast a crowd of people. A girl looks and says ohh she is so ugly! Well it was a young man in the crowd he was about 14 cause moms was like 8, and he says no shes not shes beautiful. I thank GOD for that youngman whomever he may be. But, sadly the damage had been done. So she in turn pushed it off on me. Both my sister and I are brown skin borderline light. Her dad is black and Indian and my dad is just light. I think that comes from her experiences growing up. Better yet I know. Its like the story I heard about the elephant . An elephant was captured in the jungle they took him and tied a string around his leg and whenever he tried to move he couldnt go far. When they removed the string he would still only move as far as he could with the string on. The point is once you have a persons mind you have them. It doesnt matter if they are no longer slaves. They are still enslaved in their mind. That brings up the issue of natural hair and beauty. Does having Napptural hair make u less beautiful? Of course me being napptural I have to say no. As my BFF would say: How do you not like what is growing outta your scalp? What makes a person beautiful?

From Detox to Renewal

2009-01-22T12:14:00.006-05:00

If you've been following then you know that as the year begin I started a fast or of a detoxing of my life. Well, I am moving forward from detox to renewal. I've purged quite a few things from my life and I've really been on a mission not only to get back on track but to be better than I was before. See I've been thru it all well lets just say a lot. Attempted molestation at the hands of a relative, drowing at age7, living with an addict, the ups and downs of relationships, making someone a priority when I was only a option, miscarriage, rape, abortion, depression, PTSD etc... In the midst of it all I recieved a touch from El Elyon (The Most High). A couple of years ago I was in the most amazing place. all was well in my soul. Then I hit a rut. I allowed outside influences into my life. I allowed people whom I thought were on the road I was on and tryin to get better speak into my life. You really have to watch who it is that you allow into your frint row. Everyone will not be there to cheer you on or pray for you when it gets rough. Or pray with you when that is the only thing that can be done. I try very hard to put into every relationship that I have no matter who it may be what I want in return. I try to be the best friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin etc.. that I can be. I am a optimist for the most part but I am also human and sensitive. I don't force myself or opinions on anyone else. Once I see that I am hitting a brick wall I'm done. It's a wrap I'm moving on. I will not beat you over the head with my thoughts and opinions. This has cause problems to a many a folk who don't understand that approach. Some see me as judgemental yet others see it as selfishness and others as me withdrawing. Call it what you may I call it allowing you to do you and when you need me I'm a phone call, email, text or short drive away. For the people thats been in my life 3 years or less they don't get it. Anyway the whole renewal thing is just a renewal of my mind. I'm playing keep away from all negativity. Thats means thoughts, actions, people and words. Its impossible to a degree because you are the only thing and person you have control over. As the guard of you, you control what you allow in thru your ear gate, eye gate, mouth and mind. You choose what you recieve and what you don't. Other people are only to blame for so much. Trust I spent a lot of time on that playground. I'm learning that once you allow God/Jesus into your life totally you have to let Him do what it is He does best. God is not a bully and will not force himself on you. He is the perfect gentleman. The key is you have to make yourself avaiable to Him. That is a hard thing to do. I struggle with it everyday, but I also get better at it everyday. I want everyone in my life to experience the person of Jesus. Seek His face and not just His hand. People can and will bring you down if you allow it. YOu have to be cafeful who and what you allow to be spoken over you. When people are talking they are planting seeds even when you don't realize it. Its just like church. Everyone that says they are a Christian is not. Many believe but only a few follow. The bible says in Isaiah 18Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. 19Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
What I get from that is dont live in the past. Hes doing something new.
So I don't know who this was for because I had no intention of writing all of this :). SO to all of you in the struggle keep your head up. stayed prayed up and be blessed.
Romans 12:2:
2(A) Do not be conformed to this world,[a] but be transformed by(B) the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may(C) discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[b]

Happy Obama Day

2009-01-20T22:12:00.001-05:00

Today we witnessed history. This is something that we can share with not only our children but our childrens children as well. Lets continue to uplift Our President and First family in our prayers.

Be easy

Detox Day 13: Transition

2009-01-20T22:05:00.007-05:00

It's been awhile and I really don't know where to begin. I made it through the fast... Praise God! The funny thing is I haven't been able to go back to my regular diet and I am thinking about going back on the fast. Yeah I know a lil crazy but the harder you make it on yourself the easier it is for God to show up and show out ( or at least I hear :-] ).Other than that I can say that I am tired, but I can also say that I am in transition. Transition more so because since the year has started my prayers have had the theme less of me and more of you. Translation: I am going after God with my whole heart. I want Him to be evident in my life. Let His light shine and my light dim. I have been praying for the things and people in my life that do not represent Him and His will be removed. In other words Be It Unto me. Whatever it is that is for me be it unto me. The problem with this is sometime you are not ready for the things you seek or ask. This is truly where faith comes in. The other problem is that people around you may not understand and look at you like youre crazy or have 6 heads. I've really been reevaluating my life and relationships. While I was on the fast I removed pretty much all "worldly" things from around me and only put in the Word. I can honestly say that my thinking has changed and so has my tolerance. Good, bad, indifferent...TBD. I'm excited yet ummm nervous about what is before me. Maybe because I can't see it. I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is my life isnt the same.

This some Bull$&*+

2009-01-12T23:25:00.002-05:00

I'm at my wits end. Like I am really walking a thin line round here. These lil oooohhhh I am against calling children out of there name however, my tourettes kicked in tonight. I have one tryna show out in front his friends, one speaking espanol, one that likes to scream cry and kick walls and one that walks around in circles. 10 pm is bedtime in this house. They have to be up at 5:30 for school so they all know the drill. They like to try the system. They dont not realize just how close I am coming to quirking out. Therefore, tonight I had to call in reinforcements. I had to call my sister. These lil nadsfkashflihn are driving me to a place I dont want to be. I really think they feel as though because they are at a certain age that I won't eff them up. I have a week here 1 week. I know I can make it. All I know is once I leave I'll return in June for my neice graduation and that is the end of that. They better pray nothing happens to ole girl cause when I tell you all Ican do for them is pray they get into a nice foster home or maybe their mom to str8n up. Thats all I can do. Bet that! They have really ruined it and me on children in the process. If my children will be anything like this I dont want any. And you can put that on errrthang I love shawty!

Detox Day 5: Guess who's back?

2009-01-12T14:24:00.002-05:00

So its day 5 and I am really sluggish. Seeing as though this isnt my first fast I knew it would be coming. I havent really eaten or drinking anything today which is prolly y I have this I feel like Im preggers tiredness going on. I missed out on my jog and blading again today just not up to it. My dad showed up this morning around 2. His girl called to say that he made it in but she hadn't spoken with him. I was like ok. I mean she did call me 97 times yesterday. Then my grampa and aunt blowing up the line this morning so I guess I could have been a lil more excited.Or at least happy he made it and is ok. Yeah...noo. He gets on the phone with the story in truw crackhead fashion. It went a lil something like this: The water pump went out on my car and my celly died and I didnt have the car charger so I had no way of getting in touch with anyone. ALmost believable. But the truth is I know him and or I should say I know his habits. I know the actions that he takes in certain situations. Somethings are just predictable. See I realize that this is what happens whenever I start to halfway liking him and letting him in on my life. HE is partially the reason why Im from Missouri. you know the show me state. Everyone that comes in my life pretty much have to prove themselves in other words show me. I take nothing at face value. Maybe I am being a hypocrite. I just wrote to my BFF and told her she shouldnt judge her present relationship based off of past ones. Hmmmmmm. Nope this my daddy Im talking about and I say I am tired of being let down by him. I just pray that he gets better and stronger and maybe then we can have the relationship that we have been working on for the past 14 months. If that didnt make sense just blame it on my wondering mind.

Until....

Detox day 4 Love me Just for me

2009-01-11T13:21:00.007-05:00

I just posted a poem entitled My name is cocaine. What does that have to do with my detox? Everything. My dad started smoking crack in 1984. At the time I was four years old. Of course I didnt know it then and it was years before I found out. My mom is real good at hiding things and making excuses for everyone. Well after being sober for 14 months yesterday my dad fell off the wagon, truck, boat, whatever... he relapsed. I've posted previously that my parents are not together they have a very strange relationship at least in my eyes. on 30 Dec a friend of the family was murdered during a botched robbery so my dad came home for the funeral. So of course he was around all his old friends yada ya. But this all started on Friday which was when I decided to do the big chop and cut my hair. AS my nephew was finishing cutting my hair my dad in his most dramatic performance screams : AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA GO SMOKE ME A BIG FAT CRACK ROCK! Ok so me in typical fashion I say well don't put that on me if you go do that then you want to. he goes to bed after a stellar performance so I think nothing else about it until yesterday. After the funeral he is nowhere to be found. I figure he went home and would call me later. At about 11:40 moms is like I think your dad has messed up. No One has heard from him and he's not answering the phone. I let it go. Actually I just included him in my prayers a good portion of my prayers for the night. Then he wakes me at 7 in the a.m. in tru crackhead fashion asking questions about money. Then a couple hours later his girl calls and wants to know where he is because she hasnt heard from him either. Im on my way to church at the time and I am determined to make it there which I do. Church as usual was WONDERFUL. I leave church check the celly and see my moms has called me like 4 times. I hit her back and begin to tell her about the events of the day (she has to be at work at O'dark :30 or 6am). So she says u cutting your hair really rattled everyone. He took it to the extreme but it shook everyone. I know its your hair but when you have children you'll understand. My reply is my hair was this short in '04 when I lived in Bmore the only difference is that I had a texturizer. Her reply: oh well maybe thats it I'll go buy one and put it in. ME:Um no. Im not putting chemicals in my hair anymore. And if he is using my cutting my hair as an excuse...um no he was already thinking about it. so then here comes the speech. U don't understand we as parents want whats best for you. We want you to look your best an be your best so that we can brag on you and show you off. Really? I mean really? I dont have any children let alone a house full, have never been to jail, don't use drugs, dont have a man beating me or using me. And I've spent my life tryna figure out who I am and my lot in life. Pursuing happiness and my dreams. Always tryna be enlightened and seeking knowledge and wisdom. I'm trying to have a better life and relationship with Christ.But that is a problem? Really? So what I got out of this conversation is you're ashamned of the way I look and I'm ugly. Oh and its my fault my dad reverted back to his old ways. Ok maybe thats extreme but I felt like that was what she was saying. Because I don't believe the hype about whats cute or pretty or beautiful but I don't push my beliefs off on you. It's definetely time for me to be out this joint. 9 days and a wake up. Why can't I be loved and excepted for me?

My Name: Is Cocaine

2009-01-11T13:21:00.001-05:00

My Name: Is Cocaine
© Desiree Kimbrue
I cause people grief, I cause people pain,
you may not know me, my name is cocaine.

I make people cry, I make people shout,
try me twice and you'll never get out.

Once you try me, you'll want more,
I live all around you, I might live next door.

When I possess you, you'll steal, cheat, and lie,
the crimes you'll commit just to get high.

If you need me, I live all around,
I live in your schools, I live in your town.

I'll take everything from you, your morals your pride,
once I'm with you, I’m always by your side.

You'll steal from your mom, and lie to your dad,
even when they cry you are never sad.

Come with me and do my ways,
forget your family and how you were raised.

I turn people from family, and separate friends,
and I'll be your friend in the very end.

Once you're with me you'll never love again,
You'll fade, and blow away with the wind.

I'll take away your family, your friends, your home,
then you won't have anyone, you'll be all alone.

I'll take until you have nothing left to give,
when I'm done with you, there will be no will to live.

I'm warning you this is no game,
you'll be lucky if I don't drive you insane.

I live with you everywhere, even in your bed,
the things you will see inside of your head.

Now that I've got you, you'll never be free,
at the end you'll regret ever trying me.

You should have said no, and walked away,
but instead you said yes and choose to stay.

I can bring more sorrow and misery that words can tell,
if you try me I'll lead you straight to hell.

Now I'm your master, you are my slave,
I'll go with you everywhere even to your grave.

Now that you're met me, what will you do?
will you try me or not, it's all up to you.

Detox Day 3

2009-01-10T20:02:00.002-05:00

Well the days have been getting better. I did make a mistake or should I say I have a lesson learned today. Last night I decided to do the big chop. For the last 3 years almost I've been going back and forth about going natural so I decided to go ahead and go with the mini fro. Yeah that hasnt went over too well in my house. But all in all everything is good. Life is good and I am getting closer to God everyday. I'm not hungry like I thought I would be an I am experiencing some wonderful things. Keep ya posted

Detox Day 1

2009-01-08T09:09:00.002-05:00

So as a part of the new yr I am on a mission to rebuild my temple. Yup I'm making changes. Don't like to use the words new years resolution we all know no one keeps them. I'm just on a mission to get my life on track spiritually, physically and emotionally. Yesterday after having some very heated fellowship with moms I went walking which is something I usually do with my sister and decided to go on a fast. I decided that in order to get myself back in tip top shape I have to get on it. I'm back to praying, meditating, journalling (is that a word? If it is how do u really spell it?) and fasting. Anyways last night in Bible study I discovered that the church is going on a 10 day corporate Daniels fast. Now seeing as though lil d tap danced on my brain on sunday I missed church and the start of the fast. So I decided to join in last night. Yeah....... I was dreaming about buttery rainbows and pots of potatoes with beds of steak. Yeah I was hungry. I think more than being hungry I just wanna smoke. See for some its not that hard but I am on a TOTAL new me program so smoking has to go. If u smoke like I smoke then u feel my pain. Ask my BFF Jill she called me last night around midnight...I tried to be nice. So I've been up for about 3 hours and while I am hungry (cant speak for u but a workout usually do that to me) I just have a strong urge to smoke. As my day goes on I'll update and make sure I haven't harmed anyone or myself. As of right now Day 1 hour 3 I'm good.

Why Jesus Why?

2009-01-03T22:03:00.004-05:00

Why is it that everyone seems to want to tell you and think they know whats best for you? I've come to the realization that I am totally different from the folks around me. I've always known it since I was little and plotted my first escape on a etch a sketch. My family wants to know why Im not married. My dad wants to know why he doesnt have grandkids (still a sore spot and subject for me. Maybe one day my grieving process will end), My sister wants to know why I wont take a job with the Gecko. I don't bleve in settling in any aspect of my life. I believe with everything I have that you should NEVER give up on your dreams.And more importantly NEVER ever settle. I'm in the process of fulfilling mine. But I often find myself saying Why Jesus Why as I try to explain this to everyone around me. I don't beleive in dating just because. I want to be married so therefore I want to date someone who wants the same thing even if its not with me. At this point in my life I dont feel as though I have anything to offer anyone but my dreams. Who the hell wants that? I want to be in a better position before I have children. Who wants to wonder if they should buy food or gas when your children are looking at you like B*&%h we hungry! I mean some stuff to me is simple. I have learned 2 important things from the church I've been at since coming back home. 1) COmmon since is not common and 2)Never try to discuss spiritual matters with a non spiritual person. They wont get it. I can see my dreams coming tru more and more everyday. If you gave up on your dreams or if you've never had any why dash someone elses? A man without out dreams and goals might as well be dead. Maybe its just me.

Secret Diary of A Call Girl

2009-01-03T21:52:00.002-05:00

So I'm flippin thru the 156,000 channels we have only to realize theres nothing on tv. I come a cross a show titled the secret diary of a call girl on Showtime. So I check it out. The chick is a call girl set in london with a male best friend who thinks shes a legal secretary. Shes telling her life story almost in video diary form and somewhere she decides to tell him shes a call girl after he tells her hes been engaged for a month. he wants to know if she was doing it while they were still together....Eh? So that leads me to a few questions. Can you truly be friends with someone you've had relations with? (He asks her later to include him in a menage) and no matter if your best friend is male or female can you truly tell them everything without them passing judgement ot being envious etc. I mean how much is too much? I can say my BFF knows everything about me minus one or two details but I always end up telling her anyway. I know everyone doesnt have that kind of relationship, but ours is different. We've been thru the struggle together.Even if we don't see each other often we talk ALL the time. Her opinion means the world to me. I know I get on her nerves at times and she on mine. My life would be incomplete without her though. I feel like shes my twin soul. Sorry back to the show. So dude has all these questions for her and shes tryna talk to him and fill in all the blanks in her life. So I totally forgot where I was going with this (example of my craziness) but if you have the chance check it out.

I forgot.. It's Friiday

2009-01-02T13:33:00.005-05:00

So I didn't post last friday...got a lil busy but in true friday form and fashion here ya go. We have a lil Sean Paul Tempature, some Dj Khaled feat. everybody with We Takin Over and a double dose of that boi JEEZY. enjoy.

Happy 2009

2009-01-02T13:18:00.002-05:00

I know I am a day late and a dollar short with the new year well wishes but its better late than never. Happy New Year. My year came in good. I spent is in church like I've done every year just about. Never been one to go out on New Years Eve. I can say that I have a really good feeling about this year. I believe that everything is gonna fall into place for me and things have already begun to. One of the things that I find myself praying about this year is for my friends and family to be whole. Nothing broken Nothing missing. To some that seems crazy but when you feel like something is missing from your life or that you just have to have this that and the third...well that leads to disaster. So prayer for everyone is to find and fill whatever emptiness is in your life. Then and only then can you have the life that God intended. John 10:10 says the theif comes but for to steal, kill, and destroy. But I AM come that you might have life and it more abundantly. So hold fast hold strong, stay your course. Don't give up. Don't give in. This is your year and your time to have everything your hearts desire. Be Blessed

AA

2008-12-29T20:04:00.002-05:00

Hello my name is ________ and I'm a alcoholic. So today I went to an AA meeting. No I am not an alcoholic nor do I drink. I went to support my dad. The last time I went I was maybe 13. TOnight was different though. Starters I really didnt want to go. I get there and Im thinking I dont want to hear these folks problems or even drag up memories. It turned out to be a tear jerker and worth an hour out of my day. One would think that because I dream of being a psychologist that I would be ok. Umm no. I hate being in groups and group therapy. I dont need a group to tell me how jacked my life is because of my upbringing and I really dont want to sit and listen to my dad tell all our business to a stranger. So I'm in the mtg and of course I was introduced as his daughter. With this people started talking about their relationships with their kids and how their addictions played a role. I wont say that it was something I needed but more so something they needed. It did help in a way because my eyes were somewhat opened. I know it has to be really hard to stand up before someone and admit your problems and shortcomings. I commend each and everyone of those 25 people there tonight. I did make me want to stop being so hard on my dad, but it also made me realize that just like they are in transition so are we are their children. I did agree to attend another meeting with him before I leave tomorrow. Who knows. I will say that I am very proud of each of the people and families represented tonight. So while we are all different and our experiences are the same if you have someone in your life who is in the process of cleaning up give them a chance. My dad started getting high when I was 4 I am now 28 and hes been clean for a year. Hes been drinking for longer than that and has been sober for a year. While over my lifetime I have heard him say a many a day that he was quiting the fact that he is actually trying means a lot. Who knows maybe now when I have children I will let him be around them because I always said that I would not. I am proud and who knows maybe our relationship will heal and move forward as well. Be blessed.

Going to Hell on scholarship

2008-12-28T17:54:00.005-05:00

We all know (and in case you dont now you do) that I am trying really hard to walk out this life with Christ. Somehow today I was set back a millenia. For the past 22 months I have been in church and tithing on the regular. Now I havent been to a church with a choir in a minute. I've gotten use to the praise team. And I've gotten use to being in a large church. When I say large I mean well over 200 people. This weekend I decided to roll down south to Ft.Myers area to be with my dad and step family. He said he was getting baptized and he would like for me to be in attendance. Thats totally not a problem. Anything thats keeping my dad clean and sober is cool with me. I shoulda known it was something when my stepmom said I've never seen people dress up the way they do at this church. I didnt pay it any mind. When we pulled in the parking lot I knew instantly what she meant. My people are the only ones who has to be Supa Dupa fly wherever they go. Cleaner than the state board of health.
I havent been to a baptist church in years. Today while visiting with my daddy and his girl I went to church with them. Now I grew up in a Baptist Church from the time I was old enough to speak to the age of about 10. When I sat down it brought back soo many memories. I almost wanted to sit in the back and sneak out to goto the store or the candy lady for old times. Now this is what got me though. Was it the Choir director who had the Platinum blonde mohawk who just so happen to be going bald? Was it the keyboardist who remade both Silver and Gold and We Worship u and the choir had to play catchup cause they didnt know what was going on? That kinda reminded me of Ray Chu and the Crew from Showtime at the Apollo messing up everyones music. Or was it all the excersize I got for standing and sitting? Maybe it was the asthma attack it seemed the Pastor kept having while he was talking or maybe it was because I had to keep addressing my neighbors who happen to be the only two white people in the church ( they were with me of my dads girl and her son but that doesnt matter) or maybe it was the 57 selections by the choir or the 56 prayers inbetween the selections by the choir. I don't know but either way it goes I had to spend all my time asking for forgivness for the millions of thoughts I was having. Did I mention that I still havent quite figured out what the sermon was about? I think I'm going to hell

Gone But Not Forgotten

2008-12-25T14:45:00.003-05:00

As we celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ and what that means, I would like to take time to remember those who are not here to celebrate with us. In Loving memory of my grandma Carrie (12/24/02), My Granddad Blue (1998), Ann (1999), Raymond (1999) My grandma Mildred (1999),My aunt Beenie (1992), My lil boo Yhani (2006), Ms. Vanessa (2005),Big Cuz Will (2008), Uncle Kenny (2008),Granny (12/21/2008). We love you and we miss you. If you are reading this take time out to remember those you love and cherish those who are still here.

Chrimmmas time

2008-12-23T12:17:00.002-05:00

Getting in the Christmas spirit here is anutha set of my faves. TLC, Run DMC and Curtis Blow

It's Friiddaaay!

2008-12-19T08:57:00.005-05:00

Well The weekend is here. This week we are serving up a lil Salt N Pepa Push it, LL Cool J, Craig Mack with the FLavor in ya ear (remix), Busta Rhymes Put ya hands where my eyes can see and Black sheep the choice is yours. Enjoyyy

What you want fuh Chrimmas?

2008-12-19T08:47:00.002-05:00

As we get closer to Christmas I'm posting my favorite songe/videos. Heres a lil Chrimma in the hood fuh ya.

The Ice cream man

2008-12-18T13:51:00.004-05:00

Is it me? Moms lives in a pretty nice neighborhood. Its ethincally mixed black, white and spanish. All hard working middle class if it is such a thing folk. Well lately the icecream man has been coming thru. Whats the problem u ask? Its during the hours when the kids are in school or around say 9-10 o'clock in the pm. So I begin to wonder what the business is? My mind can somewhat be a dangerous place at times but it took me back to my high school days and this is what I came up with......u be the judge.

What the Hell?

2008-12-18T13:50:00.002-05:00

Are u serious? This is some ol Enemy of the state type bull.

lost and alone

2008-12-16T22:52:00.003-05:00

I go thru these moments where I am on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Some days I am sooo sensitive its ridiculous. Most would describe me as unemotioanl or nonchalant but thats far from the case. I learned at an early age no one really gives a damn so y give them the pleasure. I had a moment with my parents this a.m. that I really dont want to discuss but what actually brought on this current state is I was tryna explain what happened to a friend. Now don't get me wrong everyone has their moments. The difference with me is I try not to let that effect me. Meaning I always listen with a open mind. If I have something to say I say it but not in a way that makes it seem like I could totally care less or you just need to get over it. Well the person I was talking to today made me feel like that. I was feeling like damn I'm always here for you no matter how many times I have to here the same thing.Maybe I took it the wrong way idk. But I just feel like damn I always put myself out there for everyone else y cant someone do the same for me? This is where I could really use someone of the male sex in my life. Sometime you just need comforting arms or a warm bed. I feel so lost and alone right now.

This song totally describes me as of late

To be or not to be...... Celibate that is

2008-12-15T15:08:00.006-05:00

As I previously stated before I've been celibate for 21 months. Wow. It hurts just thinking about it. About every 3 months is when I really begin to think about it. Like right about now. Some days I think Im going crazy others not so bad. I'm asking myself if my current state of evilness is due to this fact. I mean I know why I am doing it but its getting harder and harder. I refuse to say that I am a nympho but I am next in line :). U know I think I better get married soon or I'm gonna fall off the wagon, boat and train. I've had a few suggestions as to what I should do by some well meaning friends but I must say IT AINT NUTHIN LIKE THE REAL THING!! What the hell was I thinking? My BFF Jill made a good point. Its a fleeting feeling that if I go and get it down I'll end up mad in the end. So whats a gurl to do? I watched a movie on the I hate man network (lifetime)last night and the movie was about a woman marrying herself. She meant well but fell in love in the process. What she wanted was to commit to loving herself and not to be true and honest with herself. Everyone wanted her to be married and she felt like that would be settling if she wasnt in love. The wedding was symbolic. Sidebar: my thoughts are random so If I've lost ya I'm sorry. Back to the story: I totally understand what she was trying to do and I feel her to a point. Question is how are you supposed to make it in a world where sex is everything and everywhere?

I'm out this Bish!!!!!

2008-12-14T14:54:00.004-05:00

Im counting down! My time here is finally up! After trying to find an escape I've finally got it. Picture it.... Morgan State University 2005... Its 2 weeks before graduation and ya girl finds out I'm not graduating. Now I've been battling alot these past few years especially from 2004 to the present. Most of which was my own doing. Back in '05 I was in what I like to call Luh it wasnt love it was luh. I spent sooooo much time loving someone else that I lost myself and stopped loving me in the process. I found out this nicca was engaged to someone else.( this is another entry by itself when I am up to dragging up those bad memories). This is totally not what you need to hear in your last semester of school. I spent all my energy and time focused on the dimise of my relationship and trying to function that I lost sight of what was important. (this is what I like to call the stupid woman syndrome. We've all been there. If not you then someone you know. If you havent stop reading and thank God right about.........NOW!) In the midst of it all I decided that instead of finishing my classes in the summer i would leave all together. Well we see how that worked out. Needless to say I couldn't see it then but its all so clear now. I'm glad I didnt marry that fool. He married ol gurl they gotta kid and basically theyre broke and homeless. God really do look out. But back to my escape. So I have been trying here and there to take classes and finish school to no end. After being on the plantation in Texas ( thats anutha story) I was thinkin about heading back to good ol Morgan and making it do what it do. The point hit home when my BFF Jill brought it to my attention after months of my agonizing over it in silence. So I decide what the hey. I reapply. Well things hadnt been really been looking up in my favor. Just when I thought I would reach my breaking point and quirk and end up in jail.... Viola! God/Jesus heard my cry. I'm out this joint and back in school to redo my last semester come Jan. Praise God! Hallelujah. I can see clearly now the rain is gone!

IDK

2008-12-12T09:53:00.010-05:00

So it's been a minute since I last wrote. A few things been going on but mostly I'm just tryna stay sane. Don't really know where to begin. In my last post my BFF Jill was contemplating what to do about her situation. She decided to make a go of it. Well actually he wouldnt accept no for an answer. Which I think is good she needs it. As for me hmmmmmm well psycho sam was kicked out of school... again and tried to burn down the house him and pilsbury doughboy collaborated on that one. I'm thinking about hittin the underground railroad and escaping to Canada. I thought about plannin the route on a etch a sketch but I dont think I'll get far :) Of course ol gurl did nothin. I'm tired so tired. I'm trying not to get angry or upset but this is ridiculous. I wanna scream What u gon do? we gon die in this b@#$%^ Have I become mean and bitter?

Maybe that was a lil dramatic but hey it beees like that sometime

We all know lil jon will have u fighting and goin to jail so maybe its not too wise for me to listen to him right now :).

Its Frriiiiday Yall!!

2008-12-12T09:42:00.008-05:00

This week I'm serving up some Dis N dat, Chubb Rock and SLick Rick and for all my folk from the Durtty Durtty I got a lil JPE. If you dont know what that is its The one and only Jam Pony Express! Takin u back to the days of Cross Colors and Karl Kani jeans!

ITS Throwback FRIIIIIIDAY!!!! 12.5

2008-12-05T11:03:00.001-05:00

Its FRIIIDAY!!!!
Here's a lil something for all you real music fans who can appreciate music. Happy Friday!! I'm a 80's baby so beware!

Look Out Weekend!

Just got paid!

And again!

Your mind can be your worst enemy

2008-12-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my BFF Jill :) and I were texting about relationships. While we both are single shes a single mom. That makes dating harder for her because she does not allow anyone around her child. Understandable. Shes recently met someone who seems so far to be a really stand up guy but shes afraid to pursue anything. Jill being my twin soul, I get her and understand her when no one else does and vice versa. Side bar: I haven't been in a relationship in a minute due to my choosing. I've also been celibate for the last 20 months 3 weeks and 4 days. Yeah... I counted. It's hard out here for a pimp. :) I had to take the time to get to know me really and love myself flaws and all. You can't expect someone to love you or know how to love u if your definition of love is jacked and you don't love yourself. All of this came on the heal of a rape, a pregnancy, severe depression and all the other madness that goes along with that. More on that later. Back 2 the story: I'm trying to convince her to give it a chance if only to gain a friend if nothing else. She's afraid that this one will turn out like the rest. Afraid to take the chance. I've been there and I understand completely. What do u do when your relationships have the same script but a different cast? The both of us have been let down a many a times by the men in our life. Starting with the first and ending with the last. If the man that helped to create you and bring you into the world hurts you and abandons you, y wouldn't anyone else? I spent my time trying to tell her that as women we must first love ourselves. Then we must realize that we are worthy to be loved. It is only after this that we can begin to heal and move forward. I don't know if that tidbit was more for her or for me. I am a firm believer that our thoughts becomes our words and our words becomes our world. Afterall, the BIBLE says that life and death is in the power of our tongue. In the end she says shes come to terms with the fact that she'll be single for awhile maybe the rest of her life. Now ya gurl...I'm not settling for that. I WILL get married one day. I know my Adam is out there somewhere. Where the hell is he? I don't know but he's out there. I refuse to settle for just anybody. I'll be single for a long time than settle for abuse, manipulation, disrespect and all that other jazz. But I also know that I have far to travel to get myself functional before I enter into another relationship. So the question becomes not only how do you move from the past hurts and pains to move into your future, but also how do u embrace whats in front of you without making a man pay for another mans sins? How do you become functional in a dysfunctioanl world? Sometimes you are your worst enemy.

My Cousin Kids

2008-12-02T17:50:00.002-05:00

My mom is a foster parent to my cousins kids. For the purpose of this blog I'll call them the Michelin man, Stretch Armstrong, Psycho Sam and the Pilsbury Doughboy. They are 16, 15, 12 and 8. The problem is they are disrespectful, ungrateful and just plain bad as hell. My mom begged me to move home for a few months to help her out. Hmmm. No problem. Or so I thought. Psycho Sam is the favorite in the house. Or at least hers anyway. He's been on meds since he was 3 and at that time the Dr. said under no circumstances do u allow him to be around anything that can be used as a weapon. Let's just say that he's worse now than he was then. Because he has a problem she baby's him he can do no wrong. Whatever he says goes, She will turn on Jesus himself for him. Yesterday he gets suspended from school the second school in 3 months and the 4th suspension of the year. Mind you school started in August. So one would think that he would have some sort of punishment for his actions. Which to her cleaning the house from top to bottom is enough. Now maybe that would be if she wasnt helping him with everything. Since she works nights I'm home with them. Everything I say he calls her and she overturns. Why the hell am I here? If I'm supposed to help you but you undo what i say whats the point? So I'm at the point where they can burn this bitch down and I could care less. I do sleep with one eye open in case he tries to shank me in my sleep though. HELP ME PUHLEASE!! Are considered a runanway if you're 28 years old?

Bernie MAc (RIP) Felt my pain!!

My 1st Post/ About Me

2008-12-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

Hello World,
I've been going back and forth about this for months. I've finally decided to pop my cherry. The purpose of this is purely to keep me from losing my mind and rolling a few heads. I'm using this as a way for me to vent and express myself. I am 28 years old single no kids. I'm finally in a place in my life where I can honestly say I know who I am and what I want. I'm learning more and more about me and learning to love me for me. If you read this and gain any insight and knowledge into your world good. If not..... at least you know someone else is as dysfunctional or more dysfunctional than you are.